Pantyhose Blues

When was the last time I wore nylons?
2001?

I was to be at the Ramada Inn in Abbotsford at 4:45 pm on Saturday evening to help at the registration table. 300 guests were expected, and they would all need to be processed before 6:00 pm.
(Volunteering to assist with registration at a development dinner is apparently a good thing to have on one’s resume when applying for a position with Campus Crusade.)

“Please dress in professional office attire.” I was told.
Right. I so have a closet full of that.

Two weeks ago, when I had a small flurry of interviews with Chapters, I purchased two outfits from the mall in less than 20 minutes. One ‘look’ was black pin striped pants with a light pink blouse. The other was a black/grey tweed skirt with a black blouse.
I’d worn the slacks ensemble four times in 6 days.
So I’d be going with the skirt.

Uh huh.
At 3:30 I remembered my legs, so I had a bath and shaved them.
At 3:45 I opened that drawer and dug deep looking for pantyhose, nylons, tights….
At 4:00 I was at the till in Shopper’s Drug Mart, buying 2 packages (regularly- 3 pairs in one package for $6.99, but on sale for: “Buy One Package for $5.99 – GET A SECOND PACKAGE FREE” ) of Life Brand sheer super double XXL Queensize FatBum Nylons with reinforced panty and toe.

At 4:10, I was back in my bedroom gingerly sliding my foot into the opening. Then the other foot. Then I pulled them up. And up. And up.
Clear on up to my armpits.
With plenty of fabric to spare.

I sat at that registration table, professionally processing Campus Crusade’s guests while my pantyhose slowly inched it’s way down my torso, over my stomach and came to rest in a bunched up roll on my hips. Lucky I had a sitting job. What if I had been an usher? That waist band would have slid clear on down to my ankles.

Clothing malfunctions are always sexier on cute skinny girls. Ever noticed that?
Having my double extra large queensize reinforced panty and toe nylons puddle around my feet while seating valued guests would have been pathetic. Pitiful. Certainly not tantilizing.

Good thing I bought 6 pairs.