Tuesday, October 12, 2004


I feel like crying.
A cloud of sadness is swirling around me like a misty fog. It’s settling on my shoulders and is heavier than I would have expected.

Drew clipped his own fingernails tonight.
I saw Clint snuggling this afternoon.
And Max spent the evening delivering flyers because he said he would.

All three of them took a maturity step forward today. I hate it when they gang up on me like that. It would be easier to process if they did it one at a time.

“Next step is puberty, right mom?” Drew asks with a grin. He can hardly wait.
“I like it.” Clint says with a smile.
“We said we’d hand them out. So I’ll go do it.” Max decides with determination.

Being a parent is brutal.
Its days like these that I ache for a partner.
For someone who loves these boys as much as I do. Someone who can counter-balance my melancholy by seeing the bright side of having children inch towards adulthood. Someone who isn’t as scared as I am. Someone who is in the middle of the swirling mist right beside me and thinks, “Cool. Dry ice. Where’s the concert?”
Someone who’ll say, “Hey, let’s pray.”

This isn’t really about me.
It’s about them.
How ready are they? What have I taught them about love? Responsibility? Faith? Life?
Who are they becoming? Can I be proud? Or should I be embarrassed?

Is my time almost up? Why do I feel so rushed? Like I have to cram more “stuff” into their brains… stuff like:
- Remember to say thank you for dinner, for the ride…
- Brush your teeth. Twice a day. Or at least once. Or every other day minimum. Have breath mints or gum on hand as a back up measure.
- Put clean boxers on after you shower.
- Say sorry when you do something stupid or hurtful. Try to mean it. Say it even if you don’t.
- Clean up after yourself. Right away. As soon as possible. Before it bugs someone. Before the person you are living with has a meltdown.
- Express love to those you care about. Don’t be mean to your brothers. Give out hugs generously.
- Pray. Read your Bible. Go to church. Get involved.
- Do your very best. Try. Go for a “B”.
- Be faithful.
- Be trustworthy.
- Be true.
- Know that God made you for a reason, a purpose. Your life is not meaningless, it’s grand. Ask Him often what He would have you do.
- Love your wife and children fully and completely, even when it’s hard.
- Don’t be selfish. You are not the most important person in the world.
- Be giving. Of your time. Your money. Your love.
- Don’t squeeze pimples. Put medicine on them.

How come some days are tricky to manoeuvre through? Today is one of those. And maybe it’s not so much about today, but about future days. Days and days of changes, growth, maturity, independence…

I should get pregnant. I think I need a baby around here.

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