Finished.

The last three episodes of this season were very good. I may end up watching that disk again as it stirred up an assortment of feelings and emotions.
On the show, the women in general have strong personalities. None of them are afraid to speak their mind. Whether it's just a hunch or a statement of fact - they have the confidence to voice it. And not just to each other, but to the men in their lives - boyfriends, husbands, ex-husbands, bosses, co-workers...
I sit in awe of that freedom.

The freedom to express yourself verbally, passionately, intelligently without fear of withdrawal of love, being fired, mocked or ignored. Whoa.
I realize it's only a TV show. Fantasy. Not real life.
But still.
How do they get that confidence?
Does being beautiful make a difference? Does feeling good about your appearance free you up to speak because you're not preoccupied with your tummy roll, eye crinkles, hairy chin, fat hands, rough elbows or cracked heals?
Do you concentrate on what you're saying instead of worrying about what they're thinking?

A friend of mine was watching an Olympic medal award ceremony last month with her 48 year old step-brother. It was for women's speed skating and Canada had won both gold and silver. The gold winner pulled the silver winner up onto the platform with her and wrapped the flag around both of them. They sang the national anthem loud and proud with tears flowing freely.
It was a pinnacle moment in both of their lives, I'm sure.
He (the step brother) turned to my friend and said, "They shoulda done their hair and make up, doncha think?"
She replied, "They've just skated their hearts out. They are the best in the world. They've had their toques on and have sweated and cried any make up off..."
"But look at them. Blech."

I was out for lunch after church a few years ago with a number of families. One of the men in the group commented, "What did you think of ol tubsy wubsy on stage today?"
She was part of the worship team. "She's very talented and enthusiastic" I replied.
"Yeah, but gross. Who wants to look at something that big. Someone should tell the leader that we'd rather look at cute young things."

Last summer, while looking through old old photographs with friends, I noted the most common observation any of us made regarding the subjects in the pictures was regarding weight gain.

I am not a cute young thing.
I have bad hair and no-make-up days.
I was traded in for someone younger and thinner.
And I know that the number one unspoken observation people make about me is my weight gain.

Everytime I speak out, those truths are foremost in my mind. They never leave me.
And even if I've been specifically told, "this is a safe place, you can share freely", I don't. I'm wary.

And it's not like I have so much to say. Nothing profound, anyways.
It's just that it's affecting the way I raise my boys.
If they argue, disobey or are disrespectful, I hear a little voice saying, "You're ugly. No one listens to an ugly woman."

I was at a parenting seminar this morning that wasn't really a parenting seminar. It was an informative, humourous, enlightening, applicable, relevant presentation on today's culture and how it is affecting our children.
Except it's not just affecting our children.
It affects all of us.
Even me.
Especially me.

I've bought into the whole 'being young and beautiful is everthing' lie.
I will never be young again. And beauty seems unattainable. So why try?

A friend of mine is getting braces.
They will likely be on for a number of years, but it's all part of her plan to be 'fabulous at 50'.
She's hired a personal trainer, is on a healthy-eating diet and is totally looking forward to her retirement years.
So what's wrong with me? Why doesn't this motivate me? Maybe because I know I'll never be young again. And beauty...well that's in the eye of the beholder. And our culture's beholders' standards are high. Very high.

A single 41 year old dad that I know has been very vocal about his 2 non-negotiables when it comes to dating:
1. She must be a size 5
2. She must be under 30 years of age.
He has not had a problem finding a companion.

Another single 39 year old dad on the edge of my crowd was dating and almost got engaged to a beautiful, size 2, twenty one year old.

At one time, early in my singleness, my dad suggested to me that I connect up with a 65 year old friend of his because "you won't get anyone your own age, and these old bucks would be OK with someone like you".

Someone like me.
Someone who is unlike anyone on West Wing.

On Fridays at work, we all eat lunch together in the board room and watch an episode of West Wing. Every employee has a West Wing character "twin". Our president is obviously Bartlett. Our vice -president is Leo. Jer was Toby. And so on.
During my first six months at Arrow the question of "who is Jane's character?" came up often. Not so much anymore.
There is no one like me on the show.
And it's not just the physical aspect. It's ...it's...my uncertainty about ...about....well, maybe everything.

Last night, instead of going to the "parents are invited" youth event because sometmes it sucks to be the heaviest woman in the room, I watched the last three episodes of the third season of West Wing. And cheered whenever Josh's girlfriend spoke her mind. She didn't hold back, afraid that he would dump her because he disagreed with her. And I clapped when CJ leaned in to kiss the guy she liked even before he made a move. She wasn't afraid of scaring him off.

Strong women, both of them.
Confident in who they are.

Women, whom I doubt I'll ever be like.
But hopefully my daughters-in-law will.





Three things I'm thankful for:
1. The friends who sat beside me this morning at the seminar. Wasn't that awesome? Our kids are going to rock because we are so hip to their game.
2. My kids. Clint and Max let me talk and ask questions for a couple hours after I got back, helping me to understand their view of divorce, the media, sex, music and post modernism.
3. The God who made me loves me. I have a feeling that my lack of self-love probably grieves Him. But I'm still a work in progress. Who knows? Maybe this time next year I'll be refered to as the new character they introduced on the last show, Lily Tomlin.


Shalom,