Tuesday, January 30, 2007


In the past 10 days I've been invited to 5 events. Events involving socializing with 12 or more people in a party-type-setting. I talked myself out of going to a few of them. Like, who wants to be the fattest person in the room? It sucks.

How did I get this way?

I looked like this just 10 minutes ago.

Or has it been 22 years?

It’s shitty feeling ugly all the time. Mirrors are avoided like the plague. Being photographed is embarrassing, because you know your insecurities and self-loathing will be captured digitally. And then shared. You’ve been around when folks look through albums, “Oh, she used to be so slim…” “Wow has she ever gained weight.” “Has she always been this big?” “Why doesn’t she just go on a diet?” And so on.


So I went to some things and missed others.
I had two separate invites to go out for coffee tonight, which I would have loved to have accepted, but I didn’t. I forced myself to go to a Ladies event at our church. A “get to know you” appetizer and coffee evening. I am the heaviest woman in our church. Shit that was a horrible sentence to type out. And so I would be the heaviest woman at tonight’s gathering. Plus I don’t have a BFF (best friend forever) at church, so I’d be flying solo.

Do you know how much energy it takes to get ready for a night like this? Not physically. But mentally. How cow.

Anyway, I’m home now. I survived. But am totally exhausted. I was self-conscious all evening.

In high school I was insecure because I had such bad skin.
Now I'm all weirded out because I have too much skin.

Heaven will be a relief. No skin. I'm ready for wings and robes.

Three things I'm thankful for:
1. My camera is working again. Apparently freezing temperatures and heavy humidity (fog) are not great conditions to be taking pictures in. Once it was all warm and cozy it was fine.

2. Bubble baths.

3. Agreeable sons.



Anonymous said...

You think you feel fat? Last November I gained around 15 lbs, eating chicken wings and chocolate, out of sheer misery. I came to my parents house for a visit on the same day my very overweight, single great aunt was visiting. She plunked down next to me on the couch and said, "You've sure gained some weight but it makes me feel better about myself".
I smiled at her, said, "Yes I have" and went to the basement, where I laughed until tears came out of my eyes. SOME PEOPLE! Sheesh!

Anyways, I am a total stranger who came upon your blog through a link to a link and I'm one of your biggest fans. Your blog reveals you to be a thoughtful, intelligent, lovely woman and just remember when you're in a room with a bunch of other woman - they're all thinking about their worst quality too so yours went unnoticed.
Have a wonderful day.

Jane said...

Hi Anonymous - thanks for visiting.
My fear is that oneday I'll be someone's very overweight single great aunt, plunking down on couches making unkind comments.