Saturday, May 5, 2007

Issues (Guys? You might want to skip this post. Disturbing images will be burned in your mind. Protect yourselves and skip this one)

"I'll come over and put it on you," she suggests much to my horror.
"Uhmm, nah. Let's just meet for coffee. I can figure it out on my own," I reply, scared silly that she might not take no for an answer.
"You don't want me to touch your face, do you?"
"Yeah, something like that."
"I've seen you without make-up before you know."
"I know. It's just that ..."
"... this is too intimate for you?"
"Exactly." I breathed a sigh of relief. She thinks I'm a nutjob but she at least understands.

She's one of my closest friends. We've camped together, had overnighters at the lake, spent 30 hours sitting side-by-side in the backseat of a suburban and yet. There's something in me that causes me to panic about even the most innocent of intimacies. Like her putting powdered foundation on my face.

She'd have to, like, see it up close. The scars, the hair, the wrinkles, the eye crinkles, the whiskers. All my imperfections. No one but my dentist has been that close to my face in 10 years. And he gets big money for the priviledge. Even then, he wears a mask and goggles.

This sore hip and knee thing? Has been going on for a long time. Why haven't I seen my doctor about it before now? Well, I figured if I made an appointment specifically for that, they'd have me remove my clothes and wear a tea towel so that he could have unrestricted access to the sore spots. Ug. He must hate having half-naked, overweight women complaining about their aches, so I waited (years) til I could mention the pain as an "oh, by the way" item while in his office for another reason. (In this case, it was for our shots.)

I was the same way regarding the X-Rays. I delayed getting them for 4 days because I was nervous about putting someone else in the position of having to see and touch me.

Which is why, when I read Tricia's April 27 blog post, I blushed. She had asked a friend to give her a bikini wax: "So we are all in my bedroom and I'm in a thong, which Eva finds hillarious, and well you know, there is prep work before you wax. First you must trim, and then oil, so your skin doesn't tear off with the wax. And then there is the whole lying on the bed spread eagle, while being coated in molten wax..."

And I won't let Sandra use a brush to put make-up on my face. While fully dressed. In the kitchen.

I think this may be fallout from the divorce. I'm not blaming him, I'm just saying that, for me, being dumped and feeling ugly go hand in hand. I wonder if I'll ever get over this (last) hurt? In general, I think I've come a long way in the healing process, but being a "Not" in the Hot or Not game, has messed me up some.

The first step to getting better is to admit there is a problem?
Hi, I'm Jane and I don't like letting people to get too close to me physically because they might get that grossed-out look on their face just like Micheal Scott does when he talks to Phyllis on The Office.

Baby steps. I just took one.

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