The right side of my face is aching from hours of non-stop jaw clenching.
My stomach is tied up in a knot so tight it's hard to swallow.
My arms are buzzing with adrenaline and I can't relax.
My mind won't stop.
My heart is racing.
My eyes burn.
A cloud of sadness is suffocating me.
I'm afraid to take care of my dad. I'm afraid to do my weekend shift ... 48 hours in a row. 48 hours of him saying things that are hurtful, annoying, and silly. 48 hours of him being confused and agitated. 48 hours of me counting down the hours til I get to go home. 48 hours of me praying non-stop for 48 hours. 48 hours of no sleep? 48 hours of me wishing I wasn't so uptight. Wishing I wouldn't take things so seriously. Wishing I had a daughter (like my sister does) who wants to take my shift and invite her friends over to make the evening fun. Wishing I had a husband (like my sister does) who's totally OK with staying there for night because he loves my dad, the red leather couch and the 70" TV.
I wish I was different.
I wish my insides would relax.
I wish ...
Three things I'm thankful for:
1. I got to watch Drew play his last games of vollleyball for the season this evening. He had fun (Yay, he was even smiling.) They came second in their division and played AWESOME.
2. I think that maybe I've lined up 'companion care' for my folks. I'll meet with a supervisor next week. Please pray with me that the person they send will be of God's choosing and perfect for us. Please pray that this person will be a pro at dealing with men with Alzheimer's. And wow, the fleece I'm laying out (and it scares me to do so) is that this person would be Mennonite and able to say a word or two of german. Can I do that? Be that specific? What if God sends a non-Christian. Or worse, a pentacostal?
3. I am so just kidding about the pentacostal. Third thing I'm thankful for? My boys. I thank God that He chose me to be their mom. I thank God for Drew's love of life. I thank God for Clint's new found maturity. And I thank God for Max's life. He turns 17 on Friday. I pray that I can somehow make this day special for him. If you're under 20 and in the neighbourhood, drop by on Friday and celebrate with us.
Thank you for praying for me and my family. This valley we're in has placed me 100 miles outside my comfort zone; I am being stretched to the point of snapping. Sorry about all the whining... I'm making this whole thing about me. And it's not. It's about my mom and dad. My mom took some steps today, and she's off the morphine. She ate her first real meal since last Saturday and is sharing a rooom with an old man who coughs up a bucket of phlem every 10 minutes. She finally requested No More Student Nurses.... oh my goodness, I can't believe what they did. And she might be released by Tuesday or Wednesday next week.
Thanks for listening.