Sunday, March 23, 2008


I gave myself permission last night to cut back on the number of hours each day I devote to my daily hospital visitation routine. From 5 hours a day down to 3. (Which is actually a 1.5 hour visit, and roughly 1.5 hours of travel time.)

I crave normalcy. I desire time with my kids. I need to look after a few things that're falling apart.

So, tonight, the Saturday night of the long weekend, I did my first three hour visit, then drove home, with totally unrealistic expectations, knowing all three kids were there.

Ten minutes after walking through the front door with four bags of good groceries and lots of ideas for the evening, I got back into my truck and drove to the beach alone, crying. I had many words for God, who, according to the Bible, listens to each one. He's not been answering lately. Or, at least if He has, as usual, I've missed it.

At one point, and this surprised me, I almost concluded that God has allowed me to be in this place to show me that I really DO want to be married again. That maybe I long for someone to return love, not just take it. That maybe I do want someone in my house that doesn't mind me saying something now and then. That possibly I'm ready for someone to say, "Hey, let's do something ..."

Of course, I came to my senses about an hour later... I'm not a Disney princess and this is my happily ever after. Adding another male to my life is not the answer.

I came back home a few hours later, with no one noticing I'd even left. I got into bed and watched another movie on my portable DVD player's 7 inch screen. I do that alot lately. My housemates have claimed the 42" wide screen TV as theirs. Along with that, I've lost the use of the couches in the family room and my laptop (which is showing the wear and tear of being used almost exclusively by teenagers... the #9 key is missing and "it's not his fault".)

So, yes, I'm spending alot of time in my room. And watching a slug of movies, because I'm trying to escape my life, not deal with it. I am just that immature.

Tonight's was The Painted Veil. I'd give it 4 out of 5. Or maybe even 4.5 out of 5. I have a feeling I'm going to be pondering aspects of it for awhile. (Takes place in the 20's in China.)

Last night I watched Partition, "two faiths, two worlds, one love." (This one takes place in the late 40's in India.) I'd give it a solid 4 out of 5.

I watched I am Legend the other night. Actually, Clint and Drew watched it with me. Again, I'd say, 4.5 out of 5.

And I saw August Rush. I'd give that one a 5 out of 5 cuz I'm a sucker for happy endings.

Also viewed Once. Artsy and enjoyable. 4 out of 5. A modern day musical set in Dublin.

Another feel good movie: Martian Child. Yeah, John Cusak as a dad. Sigh... 4 out of 5.

Also, recently viewed, No Country for Old Men. Which I did not enjoy at all.

Can't forget the Bee Movie. Oh my goodness. A movie about pollination?

And lastly... We Are Marshall. 4.5 out of 5.

So, in case you were wondering how I've been lately, this is how I am. I'm living in a fantasy world, in my bedroom, escaping the realities of my life. Pathetic, eh?

Probably a healthier coping mechanism than drinking though. So don't be so quick to judge me...

Three things I'm thankful for:
1. There's a small, independent video store 3 blocks from my house. I'm keeping them in business.
2. I have a nice bedroom to hide out in.
3. This is just a phase. Eventually I face things head on again.

Shalom, and Happy Easter.


raych said...

Hey, whatever gets you by. And you're right, it's one of the lesser-damaging escape routes. Hey, I think we watched 'Partition' in my Indian Lit class. Was that the one with the gorgeous Muslim girl and the Sikh fellow, and she goes to visit her brothers and they trap her? Saddest movie of my life.

Jane said...

Wasn't she beautiful? Man. Breathtaking eyes.