Friday, August 22, 2008

...And then she stopped crying

Oh my goodness. The tears. They would Just. Not. Stop.
My face? In a constant state of wetness.
My eyes. Puffy and burning.
Drama Queen or what?
"Enough already" I said to my eyes. "Stop it this at once. This has gone on long enough."
You'd have thought someone had died.

No one did.
I was just sad.

In March, during Spring Break, while I was sitting on the floor in the boys' bathroom with Drew throwing up every 7 minutes because he had the Norwalk Virus ... I said to myself, that once we were through this season of sickness, my boys and I were going to go on a vacation. A real holiday. Where we would laugh and enjoy ourselves. And not be sick. And not be grouchy with each other.

Then a very short time later, Max doused my room in vomit, and I told the kids to keep the last week of August open - we were going to make a happy memory.

And since that time, I have had this (unrealistic, probably) expectation that everything would be wonderful at the end of August.

"Do you want to go camping?" I'd ask.
"Hey, how about a road trip? We could go north and see the northern lights."
"Or south, and do the Oregon Coast."
"Maybe go to the Badlands?"
"I bet we could do an 'all-inclusive' pretty cheap at that time of year."

No one was remotely interested in making happy memories with their mom.

Until the cheap tickets to Montreal came available.
"If you don't buy those tickets. I will." Clint said.
So I did.
The next day Max started working for his dad.

As I researched Montreal and Quebec City online, my excitement grew. I got absolutely excited about our accomodations. Really excited.

Unfortunately, we found out this week that there is no way Max is going to be allowed to join us on this trip. "It's not going to happen," he was told.

I was devastated.
Yes, I was. I am not even exagerating.

I was angry too.
Very, very angry.

And my heart was all broken.
This was (disproportionately) important to me. I needed this. For months, the thought of us spending some time together was the carrot that kept me going.

I honestly didn't think Max's request for time off would be denied. I assumed they'd give him a hard time, and make a buncha threatening noises and stuff. But deny him a prepaid family vacation? Surely not.

And so, I cried.
I'd work my shifts, then come home and think about the trip and the tears would fall. I'd make supper, fold laundry, sweep the floor, play Mexican Train Dominoes online, and cry. Naturally, I'd get phone calls, people would drop in ... and I'd just have a very wet face. I avoided my Bible, stopped praying, stopped looking for accomodation for our last two nights, stopped blogging. For two days, I simply grieved.

Grieved about leaving 1/4 of my family behind. But grieved other stuff too. Things like this cause old wounds to open up and that list of things I needed to forget? All came rushing back to the surface. So I end up being mad and sad about Max not being allowed to come, AND I got mad and sad for things that happened ten years ago. I listed them over and over in my head.

It'd be nice to forget that list once and for all.

Sometimes I think I've moved on and left the past where it belongs, and then, something like this makes me realize I'm not that good about forgiving and forgetting.

Do you know what made me snap out of it?
An article I read about a retired couple that chose to do mission's work in Africa. The 72 year old husband was working in the yard when a group of bad guys broke in, and beat him severely and left him for dead. Then they went into the house, where the 66 year old wife was having a bath. They tied her up, raped her, beat her and left her for dead as well.

She managed to get out of the house, get her almost dead husband into the car, and drive to the hospital. Slowly their broken bones and damaged organs healed. And then do you know what they did? They forgave their attackers, and went back to their missions work, ministering to those who mean them harm.

OK. So if they can do that, I can get over my sadness.

And for me, the best way to get over myself?
Spend time with others.

Tonight, ten of us went to see:


I love movies.

I love nights out with the girls.

I love romance.

I need to go to Greece.

Three things I'm thankful for:

1. Two outa three ain't bad.

2. Friends who plan movie nights.

3. Juicy, ripe peaches.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I often say I'd love to go to Greece too. Life is made up of many sad moments, I will pray for you. You are a treasured and special person, even though we don't spend much time heart bleads with you. May God touch your heart and heal, mend it...and let it continue to love...I'm still learning that myself.
With much love and by God's Grace alone...Marg