"So. Do you date?" she asked.
Twelve eyeballs all looked at me.
"Uhhh. No." I answered.
"Well, no one's ever asked." I explained.
She still looks at me.
Along with everyone else.
"And to be honest... I can't imagine adding a man to the mix. I have a completely dysfunctional family, and there's no way I'd want to invite a guy in to see the mess I've made of things."
We talked for awhile about the way our kids (hers and mine) handled their respective dads leaving - and there were many similarities. Of course there were. There are hundreds of books written on it, and kids are kids. They pretty much all react the same way.
And wives who are dumped feel like crap for a long time afterwards. Maybe for the rest of their lives. Or until a new man makes her feel desirable. Worthy. Special.
"After 12 years, I am content," I assured her. "I have a good life; it's rich and full. I have some great friends, a fine job, opportunities to travel, a comfortable home ... I'm not waiting for a man to rescue me. Nor am I out looking for one."
But I remember where I was at when I was 18 months separated. I wanted to get married. I needed (or thought I needed) someone to help me raise my boys, someone to help me with my "stuff" (house and truck and yard), someone to love me even though I believed I was unlovable.
It was rough letting go of that dream. It happened abruptly in response to a specific prayer in 2002. And when God says no, (or wait), there's no point in begging over and over again. You just suck it up buttercup and know that He is in control of these things. After crying (oh goodness, so much wailing) I made a huge adjustment in my expectations then left my marital status in His hands.
He hasn't changed His mind.
Since Dec '98 not a single unattached/available/unmarried man (who is between 5 years older or younger than me) has crossed my path. God is very good at keeping me single. It's like a miracle when you consider how many men there are in the world.
And I'm mostly OK with that.
Every once-in-awhile, I'll chat with Him about it. But He's been pretty clear. So that sucks that I'll never have sex again or a 50th Wedding Anniversary. (Well, OK. Never say never. Yeah, sure. If I get married in the next 10 minutes and live to be 100 - then yes. I'll have a Golden Anniversary party unlike anything ever seen in these parts. But lets be real.)
(Should I have talked about sex on this blog? Actually I didn't talk about sex, per se. More like, non-sex. Because no one's having sex over here. Nope. Not here. )
So. That was my week. I read about that bad man Stalin and the horrible things he did to my ancestors, watched a few chick flicks, had coffee with friends, hosted another craft night (pics below), organized and attended a Billie's Country craft night and the ended the week by making a ridiculous amount of food for supper tonight (invited all three sons and any of their friends). (Two forgot and the third one never intended on being here.) Pathetic sight, me with double batches of Chicken Teryacki stirfry and Chicken Tettrazini casserole. And no one around to enjoy it with me. (So I divided it all up into single serving sized containers, and put it away for my lunches and dinners this coming week. Whoo Hoo. Meals for the next 5 days all DONE.) (Then at 10:30, Drew came home. At 11:00 pm Clint stopped by. And at 11:30 pm Max popped in. Everyone was hungry. What they didn't eat, I packed up for Clint to take home. Because I rock as a mom.)
Three things I'm thankful for:
1. Being in a room with creative people:
|These paper roses are Heather's. She started her heart project while the rest of us were finishing ours.|
|Max and Halee admiring her heart. Very cool that he is wearing a tshirt that coordinates with her colors.|
|Everybody encourages, suggests, oohs and ahhs each other's work.|
|Max giving Sandra his professional opinion while looking at her work from above.|
|Jon and Kirsty dropped by.|
|Decorating cupcakes at my mom's kitchen table. FIRST TIME EVAH that I taught these talented gals anything.|
|Who says it's still winter. These cupcakes say SPRING.|
|We laughed until we cried. CRAFTING is too much fun.|
3. Thankful that, even though tonight's dinner with my boys didn't turn out anything at all like I imagined it would... it turn out in the end. Me and my silly expectations.