Friday, April 1, 2011

Nothing New To Report

I wake up these days, a little nervous about what the next 24 hours will bring. It's been a roller coaster around here. My co-workers have watched a number of things unfold and so on Wednesday, during devotions, when we shared our prayer requests, I mentioned I had a hole in my roof.
There was silence.
Then Steve hesitantly asked, "Is that a metaphor for something you don't want to talk about?"
"No," I answered. "I have a hole in my roof."

At the prompting of a few people, both on facebook and in real life, I contacted my house insurance provider to see if I had coverage for at least a portion of the cost of repairing the damage.

Apparently I have "excellent coverage and the best policy available but unfortunately it's very explicit - no coverage for damage or loss caused by vermin, insects, rats, raccoons, possums or critters. But," she assured me, "you have an excellent policy; very, very excellent."

And then she went on to inquire, in a very condescending way, "How is it that you didn't notice? How did you let it get to this point?" To which I replied, "You'll remember that I said I've got a contract with a pest control company and they've set up traps and cages all over my attic and yard. And I did mention that the spot on my ceiling just appeared for the first time two weeks ago? And I did mention that I hired a handyman to take a look, and this was his earliest appointment? And remember I said, that in his opinion, it is a relatively new hole?"

"Well, it's just unfortunate that you couldn't have looked after this problem earlier, before such extensive damage was done. Your policy is very clear that there is no coverage for this... it really could have been avoided."
Under her breath she muttered, "Some people shouldn't be allowed to own homes."

And then?
Crap. This is embarrassing.
Then I leaned across the counter and connected my fist to her nose.

I predicted about a week ago that I was going to crack one of these days, and uh huh, today was that day.

They called the police seconds after I bashed in her face, and escorted me to the manager's office to cool off while we waited. I felt sick. Sick like a worm. Or is that low? I felt low like a worm?

A co-worker took Miss Bleeding-All-Over-the-Place to the hospital, because she was convinced I had broken her nose. (Which I didn't, by the way.) (Seriously? I've never punched anything ever before in my life. How hard could I have hit?)

So she goes off to the hospital, crying and swearing, and I'm in the manager's office crying and praying.
What a mess.

By the time the dust all settled, she didn't press charges as long as I agreed to get counselling.
It was suggested that I take an anger management course. Strongly suggested.

In fact, they wouldn't let me go until I registered into the next group session of Moose Anger Management for women starting next month.


They asked that I call someone to pick me up...
No way was I going to call my mom and dad. First time ever that they were not my first call. This would be too much for them to handle. And I didn't think I'd be able to handle the disappointment I'd see in their eyes.

So I called someone who'd be impressed and think I was badass.
Yeah. I called my oldest to pick me up. Kinda like he did a year ago... only then he got me from the hospital. And it wasn't because I'd been fighting, but because I'd had an organ vacuumed out.

I wanted this, the year I turned 50, to be memorable. Full of new experiences and adventure. This temporary insanity was not part of the plan.

Bigger sigh.

Three things I'm thankful for:
1. Two friends are coming to help me stuff envelopes on Friday afternoon.
2. It was payday today.
3. This.


Tricia said...

Ok, I read this very early in the morning and didn't comment. I kept thinking...this is a joke right? I've been processing it all morning thinking, "No...she surely didn't punch someone...but why would she blog it if it weren't true?" Then it occurred to me this is April 1st.
You stinker!

Tricia said...

It is a joke, isn't it?

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Ya, I read this over twice thinking this can't possibly be true, but not totally sure, and then I saw the calendar. Sooo good. Loved it. Marj

Unknown said...


I didn't click because I was like, HUHHH! You guys! Guess what my friend JANE did! They couldn't believe it, either, but we sorta thought she deserved it. OMG, I can't believe you got me so good. You're a master. I bow to your greatness.