Thursday, April 5, 2012

Threeee Thingssss

1. My dad will continue to stay at the hospital. Talk of moving him to a care home facility has been postponed. Since God has clearly not taken him to heaven, and seeing dad clearly wants to live, he is going to receive medical care to help stabilize him. This means he is receiving meds again. And meals. And a steadier IV drip. And a catheter.
And as I drove to the hospital after work today, I got my usual stomach ache, wondering what would be required of me. What would be greeting me. What smells, sounds, sights would I have to deal with. But mostly, what would dad be like?

His roommate, Mr. Lia, is dying. And in pain. He groans like a bull in heat. This scares dad, I think. He keeps looking at the curtain that separates them in alarm. His dementia prevents him from knowing exactly what's going on - but he knows that it isn't good.

He tried talking to me, but words are all gibberish. The stroke has made conversation almost impossible. Sometimes he will say 2 - 3 words clearly, but I'm not a good interpreter, and I think I just frustrate him.

I'm afraid to feed him, because choking is a real concern. His food arrives during my second hour with him. There are no nurses to feed him, so I do. He coughs and chokes after each spoonful. I put the straw into his chocolate ensure, and the nurse, who is feeding the fellow across from dad, stops me. She points out a sign on the wall stating that straws should be used minimally - "please get Peter to drink from a cup."
So I try, tipping the chocolate drink from a styrofoam cup into his mouth, but he dribbles and I can't see what I'm doing and when he eventually does get a mouthful, he breathes it in instead of swallowing it down. He chokes and I want to cry. I don't know what I'm doing. If he was my child, I'd give him a sippy cup. Or use the damn straw. Seriously? We're going to try to rehabilitate his lips/mouth?

He nods off now and then during the visit, but mostly he keeps an eye on me, staring, expressionless. He saves his big smiles for mom. He is a full peace when she is there.

He doesn't respond to much of what I say... and I mostly just blabber about my day, the kids. The weather. Although, when I told him I'd lost my job, he whipped his head to look at me closely and said, "No job?"
So then I started to cry, because really? It's something worth crying over. A person can be strong for only so long. He watched me cry, expressionless.

I really miss my dad.

Life is hard sometimes, yo?

2. Yes, I got laid off, due to downsizing. My last day is in exactly one month - May 4.
Yes, I am worried sick. I don't even know where to start. What am I? Not a teacher, lawyer or nurse. What can I do? I told Drew I'd be cutting up his luncheon ham behind the deli counter at IGA in a few weeks. He was horrified. "That will not keep us in the lifestyle we are accustomed to!"

I check Craigslist every day. So far I can't see myself doing any of the jobs listed there.

I keep telling myself that God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.

3. Due to, well, everything, I have to sell my house. Soon. Very soon. I've been spending hours and hours each week looking at new listings, driving through neighbourhoods, going through Open Houses, and checking emails from my realtor.

All I want is a house with a suite, an attached garage and a southern backyard. Do you know how many listings, of say 500, have a southern backyard? NOT ONE. Not one since I started looking last October.

Do I give God a different list? I keep thinking I'll know which house to buy, because it will meet my 3 criteria. Am I supposed to come up with a different shopping list? I don't know. I JUST DON'T KNOW.

This is Drew's grad year and I want to be here, really here. Enjoying this season with him. Handing in his forms and sending $100 cheques to school every other week for some function or another. But man. I am so easily distracted. My focus always seems to be wherever I am not.

Three things I am thankful for:.
1. God has a plan.
2. God has a plan.
3. God has a plan.


Uhm. If you could pray for me, re: the job thing, I'd love it.


Carolyn said...

Done - regarding the prayer thing for your job that is. And other things too : )

Kim N. said...

Oy. That's a whole lot going on. I'll be praying.


Anonymous said...

My heart hurts for you -- count on me to pray too Jane.