Monday, August 13, 2012

Sermon Writing

 A pastor-ish friend of mine was preparing a sermon and asked, via facebook, for his friends to "list some annoyances big or small that drive you nuts, either daily, or just once in a while."

I didn't respond.
Seriously, it's his sermon. Why should I do all the work?
And besides, don't get me started on listing my annoyances. I want to be known as the Thankful Chick, not the complaining one.

However, after half an hour & fifteen comments filled with complaints, he calls (tags) me out by name. (Well, not just me. His sister and bro-in-law, me and Clint, and Clint's business partner too.) It was like a challenge.

So Terry, Clint, Adam and I obliged.
If you weren't at Coastal Hills poolside Sunday morning service, you may have missed the sermon. So here are our annoyances: (in case you're bored and looking for something to read.) Otherwise, carry on. Nothing but a list of grievances here.

Terry: (she herself is a pastor wife)
People who grab your cheeks an lay a fat kiss on your lips without even thinking through whether you would want it or not. YUCK!! People who think just because you are brushing your teeth with the bathroom door open it is an invitation to pee while you are right there.

Too much shelf SH*T!!

People who consistently say they are too busy for anything but do not have a job.

People who think that taking a first aid course means they can diagnose symptoms. Really, pretty sure you need much more schooling to be a doctor.

The fact that every debit/credit card machine swipes differently. 
- When evening news shows have stories about some useless bit of local news, and interview bystanders.
- When white people say borderline racist things about Indo-Canadians in the Fraser Valley.
- When young people get into debt for things they didn't need, like brand new cars, or TVs.
- When people say Christianity isn't complicated.
- When people order extra large diet cokes.
- When people watch TV zoomed in and cut off the sides of the picture.
- When people say "I could care less," when they mean "I couldn't care less."
- When people in the fast lane distantly behind me switch lanes to pass, and give me a bad look. Do I go in the slow and block them? Why did they switch lanes a km back? GIVE ME A CHANCE TO SWITCH!

Red lights. 
People who do not RSVP. 
Unkindness, especially towards the infirm. 
Red lights. 
Being unable to operate my television system because either integral pieces have been "borrowed", or I lack the common sense to figure it out. 
Weeds that continue to flourish even after they've been pulled, sprayed, doused with boiling water and cursed at. 
The ripe smell of to-be-cleaned bunny cages. 
Seeing possums wander past my front door at 2:30 am like they own the place, when hello? THEY DON'T. 
Uh, red lights. (There are 27 lighted intersections between my house and my dad's care home. Yes, I know, they are there by God's design for His purposes.) 
Sadie the barking dog, who barks whenever I'm in my backyard, and Sadie's owners/dad and mom, who add to the noise by yelling, "Sadie, stop barking" all the livelong day. 
Ungratefulness; just say thank you already. 
Gossipy conversations. 
BUT all of these pale in comparison to my #1 annoyance... I am becoming increasing ticked, as an introvert and peri-menopausal woman, (have I said too much already?) at that moment between the second and third worship songs in the first set of the service where the Pastor of Worship Arts says, "Let's break right now, and say "hi" to the people around you. In fact, ask them how their weekend is going." This? Is all kinds of awkward. I nodded, said hi, or purposefully ignored the people in my section already. At his cue, we all shake hands and say meaningless, embarrassed 'hi's', and wait for him to get on with his job, in leading us into the presence of God. 
(What? Who me? Issues? Pffft.) 

 people who take video with their smartphones in the same position as photos; making the video tall and vertical and incompatable with ANY modern video aspect ratio. TURN IT SIDEWAYS.

- People that order extremely complicated drinks at starbucks or trendy coffee shops and also tell all their friends how much they *need* the coffee from so-and-so a place because its just so much better. ITS ROASTED GROUND UP BEANS. GET OVER YOURSELF.

- People that get extremely angry when their order is slightly wrong slash return to the front of the line and angrily demand a replacement when its incredibly busy, at fast food restaurants. this isn't the damn Keg. Fast food is literally the unhealthiest, lowest common denominator way to ingest nutruients into your body, and you are expecting to be treated like a king? shut up and eat your sh*t food, its all processed garbage anyways. 

- people that slurp their drinks extremely loud. How in the hell have you lived over 20 years of life and not had someone cut your lips off with a straight razor yet? because that should happen to you. 

- people that still use blackberry smartphones. That one makes me sad more than anything. It's like looking at someone who still uses a typewriter for word processing or an abacus to do math. (you should probably use this one in the sermon)

- people that say "Jesus we JUST come to you in prayer...." why say Just? clearly thats what we are doing. are we doing more? do we need to play it off like we aren't asking too much in this prayer request? I mean i'm JUST asking you to heal my uncle, thats it. not biggie or anything.

- people that argue a point and their supporting evidence is insider info that they aren't allowed to talk about but trust me I have the inside scoop so your point is invalid. That isn't a discussion. You might as well say Odin descended from Valhalla and told you so there argument over. 

- Any healthy, young person panhandling for change in the city. Usually wearing rocker clothes with heavy metal patches and an extremely elaborate hair style to show how much they don't care about the system. You are literally spending more money on how you look than food, and you are contributing absolutely nothing to anything to help anyone. 

- people, and/or the pervading culture that exists today that celebrates idiocy and ridicules intelligence. Everyone knows the names of the cast of the Jersey Shore but not a soul knows the name of anyone who landed a FRIGGIN ROBOT, ON ANOTHER PLANET last week. It's super cool to go to the gym every day, keep up with pointless celeb crap, pay attention to fashion, get wasted and do drugs on the weekend and score with a ton of girls. But its not cool to be working on a retrovirus for HIV or quantum imaging or highly advanced robotic prosthetics. we need a culling.

Apparently he managed to work in the comments from all 70 commenters. Must've been quite the sermon; he preached it while a little loopy from the T3's he took that morning on account of the broken rib he received the day before while mountain biking.

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