Tuesday, December 4, 2012


The end of The Very Sad Month (November) (also known as The Month She Couldn't Stop Crying) ended with me crashing.

Which coincided with my first day of work at a brand-new-to-me pressure-filled, full-time job.

I saw my doctor who agreed I was a hot mess, and gave me some meds, to help me over the hump. Within 10 hours, the Deep Sadness gave way to crippling panic attacks. Nausea. Lack of Appetite. Dizziness. Fear.   Sweats. Headaches. Panic ATTACKS. Racing heart. Icy elbows. Tingly fingertips. Fatigue.

I managed to go to work two more times, then skipped out on Thursday to see my doctor again.
He was thrilled with the rapid, extreme response to my original prescription. Apparently it's evidence that all systems are firing up again. His advice was to take it easy and allow my body to heal.

I mentioned that I've just started a brand new, high pressure job, and he shook his head, "You really keep piling things up, don't you?"

On Friday I talked to my boss and offered to quit my job, as I am clearly not the person who they interviewed and hired 10 days ago.

They didn't accept it. Focus is giving me the month of December to continue working half days and 'get better' so that I will be back to my normal amazing self by January 2.

So. There you have it.

I'm working 4 hours a day, hoping that I am learning something. If I am, it is a God-sized miracle, because I can barely breathe when I'm in the office.

I come home afterwards, curl up in a ball on my couch in my family room and sleep for a few hours. After that? I count the hours til it's time for bed. And I wonder if I should wash my hair because I might not have time in the morning. And I wonder what I'll wear, and should I iron something? And I wonder if I should look at the two dozen pages of notes I'd taken at work, but that makes my chest go all tight, so I watch TV with Max.

Yeah, Max is here this week.
He's got some day-work here in Langley, so he's coincidently (or by God's design?) staying here for a few days.
And Drew was over the other night, and decorated the family room (!).
And Danica and her sister came by to do some crafting, and I was mostly comatose, but it didn't matter to them.

And Mandi popped by to drop off some of my sister's baking.

And I wish I felt better, because These Are Happy Things and yet I felt nothing in my heart, even though my brain was acknowledging how lucky I am.

Not sure how much blogging I'll be doing though this stage. It'd be boring reading.

Three things I'm thankful for:
1. I haven't seen my dad in over a week. So very thankful that Jule and my mom are making up for my absence. And GUESS WHAT? My dad took some steps today. BOTH FORWARD AND BACK! And he knew it was a big deal. Apparently he was grinning like crazy and very proud of himself.

2. Psalm 138: 8 The LORD will work out His plans for my life. His faithful love endures forever. He won't abandon me, for He made me.

3. I got an Arrow Mentoring Email today, and the question was:
Are you connected to deep friendships?

And whoa, did I ever luck out in this department. I am so very, very thankful for the friends God has blessed me with. So much love. Thank you friends for the messages, voice mails, flowers, and prayers. I am spoiled.


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