“I do not understand you.
If my husband died I’d be scoping out my next one at his funeral. In fact, I’d send notices to all my friends, asking them to bring any single eligible men in their circles to the funeral. The day after I bury him, I want to be working on getting married again. I was made to be married. I love being married. God did not design me to live alone. I do the marriage thing well,” she said.
“But you see, I have not even laid eyes on an unmarried male over 40, I don’t think there are any. And if there are, they are attracted to and ‘getting’ 20 year olds,” I replied.
“It’s all about networking. Let all your people know you are ready. Have them do the work for you. And, join some singles’s organizations; I can’t believe that you don’t go to some of the larger church’s singles’ retreats and conferences. You gotta get out there. Let them know you’re alive and interested,” she explained.
All very easy for her to say.
Her marriage has been good. She has no reason to doubt that another one wouldn’t be just as much fun. Just as fulfilling. Just as satisfying.
But I’m scared. Shitless. (I can say that. Mennonite. Check the manual.)
While my heart might not be precious, per say, it is fragile. And most all the broken pieces have been duct taped and super glued back together. It still beats. It still feels. And it is very afraid of getting broken again. The worst time it got broked it felt like a steel-toed work book kicked it until all the pieces were shattered. The other time, I handed it to someone who thought it was a football and tossed it back. I missed the catch, so it bounced around abit before I picked it up, bruised and bleeding. I dusted it off, bandaged it up and reinserted into my chest cavity.
No one dies from a broken heart. You just live life a little more carefully.
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And I also wrote this:
Is this what an empty nest feels like?
Sucks.
I had lunch recently with someone who is 10 minutes away from celebrating her 5th wedding anniversary. She was complaining about her mother-in-law:
“Why doesn’t she get her own life?” she moaned.
“What do you mean?” I wondered.
“She wants to see us all the time.”
“That’s a bad thing?”
“Yes. Come on…Take this weekend, for example. She’s arranging for all of us to go to Victoria for 2 days. I don’t want to waste a weekend being with her and my brother-in-law’s family. If I want to go to Victoria, it would be with just my husband. I don’t want his whole family around.”
“Does she do this all the time?”
“Uh huh. Every year she tries to get both her sons and us wives to do something together. I ‘m tired of her meddling. I just want to spend time alone with my husband. We can plan our own weekend getaways – we don’t need her interfering. If she wants to go to Victoria, I think she should find a friend and go. Leave us out of it.”
"I am in trouble…”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because I think I’m going to be the type of mother-in-law that hopes to be involved in her kids’ lives. I’d love to go to Victoria with my grown, married kids. I kinda have this idea that like, maybe one night a week – and I know it will not be a weekend night – I’d have the whole clan over for supper. And I’ll babysit when the grandkids come along. And we’ll go to Harrison Hot Springs during the Christmas season if we can swing it. And if they need with anything, they’ll call me….”
“Oh, and that’s the other thing she does. She always offers to come over and clean for us ‘because we’re so busy’. Obviously she thinks I’m a slob and can’t keep my house clean enough for her.”
Crap.
What if I end up with three daughters-in-law who want me to stay clear of them and my sons?
I will be devastated I tell you.
Distraught even.
Beside myself.
Out of my mind enough to consider setting up an account here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At 9:30 I went for a walk and ended up at Shopper's Drug Mart for the following supplies.
The meds should kick in shortly. Has 28 days really passed already?
At this point I'm dealing mostly with the tenderness thing (why does that make me sound like an appetizer? Chicken tenders - made of real breast?) and the sad version of irritability.
Three things I'm thankful for:
1. I'm alone tonight. When I'm melancholy like this, its best that no one be around to listen to snivel.
2. I pulled my weight in weeds out of the garden tonight. At least one corner of my yard looks like it is loved.
3. By the weekend I should be myself again.
3 comments:
oh jane, it's times like these that i want to come over and hang out in my sweatpants and bitch about stuff (i can say 'bitch,' right? as long as i'm not referring to someone?) and drink coffee and eat cookies and bagels...every time you post about people who want you to get married again, i want to comment, but the things i have to say are all too long or too personal...maybe i'll wait until i can come over in sweatpants and bring some of my deadly double-chocolate brownies. suffice it to say that when joel and i broke up that time, it was GOOD to be single, and i would have been happy to have stayed that way (equal parts for the fragile heart reason and for the orange juice and oreos reason) but i didn't. that being said, if i didn't love joel so much and if any of your sons were nearly my age, i'd be pumped to be your daughter-in-law. i think your future daughters-in-laws will love to go to the lake, and will craftsy with you, and your sons will probably get over their not wanting to hang out with you. as one of three adult children who has moved out of, and then back into, her parents house, i'll admit that independence is not all it's cracked up to be. your sons are young, so you still have some years ahead of you, but who knows? perhaps one day you, like my mother, will have all of your birdies back in the nest, even though you refuse to cook for them, or do their laundry or grocery shopping, or clean up after them. i love you, dear.
Hey, janey-cakes...I just spent 20 minutes spraying Windex at a GIANT spider that slipped in between the crack in the corner of my office (not the one at home--I'm OUT at the office I pay rent at and never work in) and the damn creature had the audacity to stay put. I don't know where he is. It's the uncertainty, I tell you. When is he going to reappear?
You wait until your heart is ready. I've been PMS'ing, too, and I've spent a lot of time lately contemplating what life would be like if I were...well, better left to tell you in person when I see you next week. It's a tough row to hoe, all of it.
And tell your young friend that soon, her mother-in-law will be dead and she will feel like shit because she whined about not wanting to go over to the Island. If I had ONLY agreed to go over to the Island more often and spend time with those insufferable relatives by marriage, maybe I wouldn't feel so horrible about the fact that I only spent the cumulative total of about a month in the presence of my wonderfully adorable MIL and FIL before I had to attend their funerals, four months apart. You can't tell the youngin's anything nowadays, though, can you...
Don't feel empty nest. Come to my house anytime and we will cure you of that. Seriously.
You are SO loved, and I can tell you, speaking from the position of a formerly rebellious teenager who did everything to turn her mother away, your kids will come back to you, grandbabes in arms, and their wives--well, you may like them or you may not--bottom line is they will learn to appreciate you, they will adore you, and then they will grieve deeply when you've gone to the next realm.
I just wish I could find that damn spider so I could send HIM to the next realm.
xoxo...jsy
You -- unlike some people -- are not desperate to go out 'scoping' the singles scene for a man. You have filled your life building into other people's lives. You are smart enough to realize that life can be full without a man. But you are also smart enough to know that your loving Heavenly Father knows exactly what you need and when. You have the sense to wait upon the Lord for those things, and in the meantime live your life to the fullest. You are not desperate, but alive, full, givng and beautiful. It would take an awfully special man to match you. Perhaps that's why he's not popping up on your doorstep. And to be honest, there's not too many many out there who would deserve you.
All the same, never underestimate our wonderful Father.
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