Wednesday, August 1, 2007

At 7 pm:

Every single negative emotion known to man is swirling through my being right now.
Frustration. Disappointment. Anger. Fear. Embarrassment. Impatience.
OK. Only 6 emotions. But they are running amok; out of control. I’m not certain I can pull them back in.

It’s the summer.
I should be all lollipops and sunshine but I’m not.
I’m a monsoon. (I saw the storm pics Gloria posted on her Facebook page and it felt like I was looking into my soul. Me and those lightning pics are kindred spirits.)

My left eyelid is flickering about 70% of my waking hours. It started two weeks ago and is steadily increasing in intensity. I just googled it, hoping I don’t have a neurological disease. I don’t:

Twitching Eyelids
Brief flickering of one eyelid, with no other signs of twitching or trembling, is usually an indication of tension or tiredness, and nothing to worry about.

Tension? Tiredness? Who me?

I’m a Christian for pity’s sake. I am supposed to ‘cast these worries on Him, because He cares’; not hang onto them, re-listing them in my mind over and over and over. Why can’t I just lay them at His feet and move along? What is wrong with me? Lack of faith? Type A personality? Am I in a transition stage and not handling it well? Am I a perfectionist unable to handle the imperfections in my life? Is my dad right? All I need is to get laid? Or is Max right? Nothing matters – why should I care?

With every eyelid twitch, the nerve endings in my hip pinch uncontrollably and I know I am wound up tighter than fishing line on a reel. Maybe I should take up drinking? Live that Ecclesiastes lifestyle; “eat drink and be merry”? (Is “merry” a euphemism for sex? Maybe my dad is thinking biblical thoughts…) Come to think of it, Max’s attitude is Ecclesiastian as well: "Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless. What does man gain from all his labour at which he toils under the sun?" (Doesn't that sound like 'nothing matters, mom ... why do you care?')

One thing’s for sure; sitting here writing about my feelings isn’t getting my to do list done.

Excuse me while I bake some brownies.

1 comment:

tricia said...

Okay, I'm emailing you a comment on this one.