So why can't I handle it this time?
Because LAST time I went through a crisis (church closing, marriage ending) my dad and my mom were my rocks. They just instinctively knew...I didn't even have to ask; they knew when to babysit, take me out for dinner, mow my lawn, give me a hug, slip $100 into my pocket, buy me fudge or listen to me cry. They were so positive that everything would work out for the best, and I believed them.
A friend of mine said to me this summer, "You're not really an adult til your parents are gone."
Shit, she was right.
(I can say shit because I'm Mennonite. And because when a person's bowels explodes, shit happens. Then it gets collected in a bag. And that's shitty. Just ask my mom.)
Anyway, I guess I'm just resisting the maturing process. I recognize this in my boys sometimes. And even though my parents are still here, they need me now. The tables have turned: they can't help me through this. I'm supposed to be helping them through this.
Man, what a baby I am.
Man, I'd love a man to be by side through this. And I can't believe I feel this way. Up until 10 days ago, I was very content in my singleness. And now? Now I'm needy.
I'm going to go see my doctor tomorrow, surely there is a drug that will help me. Xanax is probably cheaper in the long run than adding a husband to my life.
Three things I'm thankful for:
1. Laurie? A GIFT, a HUGE gift from God. Thank you, thank you, thank you God for sending her to us. The other caregiver? Not so much. Please pray that JV will be able to join the "Care for the Klassens" team. She's a friend of Laurie's and might just be as perfect.
2. I'm SO thankful it hurts - I work for an amazing organization. Thank you God for allowing me to work at Arrow. They are giving me the freedom to care for myself and my parents during this season. How did I get to be so lucky?
3. I'm so grateful for Jim, Jac, Jul and Daryl for shouldering this load with me. They are watching me crumble and are picking up the pieces I keep dropping. Thank you guys for loving me even though I keep crying and am always forgetting to breathe.
1. She was released today and is at home. Her surgeon really didn't want her to leave the hospital, but they needed her bed. The hospital nursing home care is turning out to be unreliable and this is adding to the stress of caring for her. Please pray that the hospital WILL send someone out every day to help her with her surgical dressing and other matters.
1. Oh, the sadness just continues. The new meds we have him on leave him sedated and non-communicative. He just stares at the floor when he's awake. Which is better - agitated and frustrated, or docile and stoned? Please pray we find a good balance. I'm taking him to two doctors tomorrow...
For both of them:
1. That we can arrange long term full time care in their home.
1. That we are able to rest on those days that we're not "on". That this will bring us closer together as a family, and not tear us apart. That our kids would have friends that would stand by them as they grieve the slow decline of their Bups.
Thank you internet. I love you.