Back in June I saw Evening, and the scene that is still stuck in my brain is when an old friend crawled into bed with her dying friend. I remember wondering if I'd ever get over my intimacy issues enough to allow someone other than, other than ...uhhh, one of my kids to climb into bed with me. (Not that any of them has ever laid next to me in years, with the exception of that time last month when Clint showed compassion and calmed his basketcase of a mom.)
Anyway, there was something so tender about that scene. Something so nice. Something so normal? Is it normal? Cuz it looked normal. In that girls-having-a-sleepover kind of way. 'cept, I can't remember doing any of those sleepovers.
I think maybe I wasted my teenaged years.
My favorite person to be with from the time I was 15 was my boyfriend. I didn't have sleepover-type girlfriends. Hence, no sleepovers. Isn't that sad? A tragedy really. No late night gab sessions. No skinny dipping in the creek. No painting each other's toenails. No giggling at dumb movie lines. (I'm watching Notting Hill. "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." Gag.) No baring one's soul to someone who totally gets your pain.
Why am I thinking of this now?
Because of Grey's Academy. I LOVE the way Meredith's friends climb into her bed when they are hurting. I love that she has a huge bed and they all wear pajamas. I love that they love each other. I love it. I love that she has a house filled with people who like each other. And that they share things.
A part of me wants that. That ease with friendships. That ability to be intimate in a non-sexual way with friends. That gift that allows you to give and receive love without being all freaky-outy. That house filled with people who like each other.
And then there's the part of me that is Neumann. And Mennonite. And self-reliant. And insecure. And private. And worried about snoring. And panicked about allowing someone to see the imperfections, the wrinkles, the bumps and lumps, the scars and the moles.
I'm 46 years old and have so much to learn about relationships.