Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Funny Stuff

Pretend you're in my living room, sitting across from me, browsing through one of my People magazines. I'm sitting in my favorite spot (so much for rotating my way around the room), glancing through this book that has had both Clint and Max chuckling. All of a sudden I'm giggling and I say, "hey, listen to this:"
The Front Section is made up of lists, for example:
Best American Names of Horses Expected to Have Undistinguised Careers -
Ayn Rands' Condescending Sigh
Buyer's Remorse
Daddy Drinks Because I'm Slow
For the Love of God Run Faster
Pride of Two Guys with No Business Owning a Horse
Shoulda Bought a Monkey
This is Your Horse on Drugs
Best American Six-Word Memoirs -
(This form was made famous by Ernest Hemingway who wrote this after being challenged to write a complete story in six words: "For sale: baby shoes, never used.")
Found true love, married someone else.
- Bjorn Stromberg
Bad brakes discovered at high speed.
- Johan Baumeister
Ex-wife and contractor now have house.
- Drew Peck
Wasn't born a redhead; fixed that.
- Andie Grace
Young, skinny; ridiculed. Old, skinny; envied.
- Phil Sweet
Hiding in apartment knitting against depression.
- Laurie White.
Lucky in love, unlucky in metabolism.
- Leah Weathersby
Best Personal Ads from Around the World -
- Woman lacking love will commute to it 9:00 am to midnight, except Sundays.
- Man, 53 years old, French, originally from Kabul, with a very lovely head and features despite a slight problem with his left eye and who smokes a little bit, is looking for a woman from anywhere.
- 30 year old man, cute, nice, simple, from a little town would like to know a girl from the country who is not emancipated. Peasants welcome.
- Employed in publishing? Me too. Stay the hell away. Man seeks 30 - 35 year old woman who likes milling around outside hospitals guessing illnesses of out-patients.
- Don't speak, you'll only destroy my already low opinion of you. And put your pants back on. And your toupe'. Terminally disappointed woman (38) seeks a man. Form a line up, then I'll negotiate the criteria.
- Woman, 43, would like to meet a man - any man - whose evolutionary path isn't that of Homer Simpson.
- There's enough lithium in my medicine cabinet to power three electric cars across a sizeable desert. I'm more than aware that this isn't actually a selling point, but nonetheless it's my favorite statistic about me. (Man, 33.)
- Like I've said many times before here, 'desperate'. Do I have to spell it out? D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E. Jeez, what does it take to catch a 20 year old athletic male in this magazine. (Female, 67)
- Baste me in butter and call me Slappy. No, really. (Male 35)
- From Craigslist:
Please be my obnoxious girlfriend for one week. I want to restore my glee in being single.
And that's it for today...
Oh wait. I still have to be thankful:
1. My toes and eyebrows still look nice.
2. I have a coupla fun evenings planned.
3. My dad and mom seem to be doing fantastic.

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