After I blogged/whined about my day, I went to bed and read for a few minutes. I am starting a book by Eugene Peterson, called Leap Over a Wall (Reflections of the Life of David) and in my desperation to NOT dwell on the things that were upsetting me, I thought I'd read til my eyes closed.
The first line:
I had a story-telling mother and I heard these David stories first from her. I usually heard them at bedtime ...
End of first paragraph:
My mother was good with words, she was also good with tones. In her story telling I not only saw whole worlds come into being, I felt them within me through the timbre of her voice.
Beginning of second paragraph:
She told stories of her parents, who brough 11 children from Norway to the sparsely populated but promised land of Montana to begin a new life. In the first few years after their settling, she and her sister were born, making thirteen in all...
Beginning of third paragraph:
Mostly, though, she told Bible stories.
And that's as much as I read.
I fell asleep in an empty house, my kids all elsewhere, pushing the edge, some even falling over it, feeling like a failure as a mother. My last thoughts were wishes that I could do it all over.
Today is a new day.
My photos are still gone.
Kids are still not home.
Grass is still dying.
Clint's presense on our New York trip is still in some Brazilian guy's hands.
My dad still has bad heart and a dementia'd brain.
How long should I let this list go? I could keep adding items til you, the reader, would want to stab a blunt pencil into your skull.
With the house being quiet n all, I thought I'd spend a few minutes with God. I picked up "Diary of a Private Pray-er" and read the prayer I SHOULD have read on the evening of the 12th:
And now Oh God, give me a quiet mind as I lay down to rest. Dwell in my thoughts until sleep overtakes me. Let me rejoice in the knowledge that, whether awake or asleep, I am still with Thee. Let me not be fretted by any anxiety over the lesser interests of life. Let no troubled dreams disturb me, so that I may awake refreshed and ready for the tasks of another day. And to thy name be all glory, Amen.
Three things I'm thankful for:
1. I know a God who is going to carry my burdens for me. I just have to hand over this backpack-of-disappointment-and-frustration that I keep loading up with more and more crap.
2. I know a God who is keeping an eye on my kids for me. He loves them. He'll fill in the gap caused by my sub-par parenting.
3. Summer is mostly here. And while I'm trying to keep my expectations realistic, I do have high hopes for a season of rest, laughter, relationship-building and memory-making.