Thinking

I stumbled upon this blog the other day and loved this post regarding the writer's relationship with God and her husband before she got married 11 years ago. (I am impressed with his side of the story too. Talk about two people being in-tune with God.)

I especially like the part where she acknowledges she was more in love with the idea of a relationship than she was about the actual man. I think there are many people who desire to have a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife so badly, that they look past the actual person and get lost in being half of a "couple". I'm impressed with her faith when she says, "Well, it took two years for me to sort things out and mature to the point that God could trust me with the treasure of His son, Jeff ." 


Wow. She believed she needed to gets things sorted out so that she would be worthy of God's beloved son, her future husband ...  that's risky. And inspiring.  (God was protecting Jeff from getting into a relationship with a woman who didn't fully appreciate him as a unique, special child of God.) 


Did she love God more than she loved the idea of being married? Did she love the idea of being married more than she loved the person she was marrying?  


Reminded me of the Bible story of Abraham putting Isaac on the altar. Did Abraham love God more than the he loved the  idea of being a parent? (Do we sometimes love the gift more than the giver?) And did Abraham love being a dad more than he actually loved his son?


When my marriage was ending, I remember saying to myself, I don't want this. I am totally committed to this marriage. I signed on 'til death do us part' and no one is deathing ... I want to stay married, regardless of how messed up things are getting. This is a for-better-or-worse test, yes this is worse, but darnit, I am staying married. I am going to pass this test. But deep in my heart I knew there was a bigger question. Was I committed to Mark - as a person? Did I LOVE him for-better-or-worse? Did I want to stay married because of the marriage or did I want to stay married because I was committed to him? Did I still love, respect, admire, believe in him? Was I a good partner to him, or was I just the generic good wife? Did I see him as God's precious treasure, given to me as a gift to appreciate in wonderment?


And now, sometimes I wonder, is my need (longing?) to be a mom becoming more important than the (individual, specific, unique) needs of my (maturing, independent, so-very-much-not-like-me) children? 
Just like being a good marriage partner is not about getting your own needs  met, being a good parent is not about your own needs either. 


Anyway, I liked her blog post and it obviously got me thinking. 


Three things I'm thankful for:
1. Blogs. Random blogs.
2. Fudge. I dropped off farmer sausage, perogies, canned cherries and canned peaches at my mom and dad's place tonight. She handed me a 1/4 pound of fudge she had picked up from the mall for me.  Excellent trade.
3. Plans. So many plans. All fun. And maybe exhausting.


Shalom,