Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Currently, June 2014

Things I am:

Obsessing over,

Working on, 
Thinking about, 
Listening to,
Praying for,
Happy about,

June 30: I started this earlier today; I got off work at 3 pm, and immediately made myself comfortable on my mom's deck wearing a new butt ugly Costco bathing suit. 

THEN we (my mom and I) went out for dinner and a movie, (The Fault in our Stars) and I'm still recovering from the experience. SO. Many. Tears. 

Anyway, those stirred up emotions may impact my answers. 
Jus sayin'. 

1. Things I am obsessing over:

  • Same old. Same old. Sigh.
  • My kids.

And that's as far as I got with "Currently".
I ended up twittering with @dpnheather and @loudcryingfan:

Tweet text

Oh poor sad Loud Crying Fan. It really is *just a story.

(Although there was a wailer in the theatre with us on Monday night. Hollee Hannah had she ever come undone. Huge, loud, gulping sobs and uncontrollable anguished cries. It was kinda funny but also tragic how very affected she was.)

OK. So now it's July 1, Canada Day. 
(Which I spent in Surrey because one of my offspring asked that I not come to the lake. "No one wants to be with you.")

I spent the day on my mom's deck, where there was no breeze. None. I longed to be sitting next to the lake or the ocean. Seeing that wasn't going to happen, I made my own breeze:

Yes. I brought out a fan. My floor fan from my bedroom. 

It made all the difference. 

Back to Currently:

2. Things I am working on:
  • Figuring out how to use my last available week of holiday time. And my three remaining flex days.
  • How to get a tan without aging my skin. 
  • Being a better mom. Whatever that means at this stage of everyone's life. 
  • Finding a way to make my visits with dad more meaningful for him. Should I be doing something more creative during our time together, so that it's less repetitive and more interactive? 
  • No bread or chocolate bars in July and August. It's July 1 and I already blew it with the chocolate bars. But maybe I can make it to Sept with no bread. And less chocolate bars.
3. Things I am thinking about:
  • I just finished reading Some Assembly Required, and boy howdy. I am thinking about Anne Lamott's relationship with her son. And grandson. And how this book is exactly what I needed to read right now. It was perfect. (Her 19 year old son, Sam and his 20 year old girlfriend, Amy, got pregnant and this book, written by both Anne and Sam, is their journalling journey through Jax's first year of life. Sam and Amy aren't sure if they will stay together as a couple, and Anne is doing every mom-trick in the book to interfere without interfering. I love her so hard.)
I read it on my Kindle and I think I highlighted half of the book:

“I was reminded of the Four Immutable Laws of the Spirit: Whoever is present are the right people. Whenever it begins is the right time. Whatever happens is the only thing that could have happened. And when it's over, it's over.” 

“It is a violation of trust to use your kids as caulking for the cracks in you.” 

“You've got to learn to let go and let your children fall, and fail. If you try to protect them from hurt, and always rush to their side with Band-Aids, they won't learn about life, and what is true, what works, what helps, and what are real consequences of certain kinds of behavior. When they do get hurt, which they will, they won't know how to take care of their grown selves. They won't even know where the aspirin is kept.” 

“And what do you do in the face of this powerlessness? As a parent?"
"You get to be obsessed and angry," Tom said. "And they get to be the age they are, and act like teenagers if they want to. There is a zero-percent chance you will change them. So we breathe in, and out, talk to friends, as needed. We show up, wear clean underwear, say hello to strangers. We plant bulbs, and pick up litter, knowing there will be more in twenty minutes. We pray that we might cooperate with any flicker of light we can find in the world.” 

“...peace is joy at rest, and joy is peace on its feet...” 

“It is funny how no one seems to want my always excellent advice.” 

4. Things I am anticipating:
  • Going to Bard on the Beach with my favorite girls
  • Having a few more Friday night adventures this summer
  • Seeing my cousins from Germany, London and New York here in BC sometime in July
  • A wedding or two
  • Doing one or two sit ups this month
  • Probably seeing another movie or 12

5. Things I am listening to:
  • Well right now, there is total silence, but a short time ago, whilst I was on the deck BBQing some salmon for a late dinner, watching the sun set, and enjoying the Canada Day fireworks on display from the other side of the river ... I heard the traffic and the trains and the incredibly wonderful booms of explosives. I love the sound of fireworks as much as the sight. 
  • Also, I am listening to my play list (posted earlier this month.) Plus these songs:

(By the way, this guy is doing a free show at the PNE this summer... )
  • I am trying hard NOT to listen to the voices in my head. Those voices belong to my kids. And the words they are saying are harsh. It's been a tough month. I feel like I was crappy 'new born mom' but an awesome '2 - 16 years mom' and a horrible '17 - 27 years mom'. Really hope I get my shit together and can be a decent mom for when they hit their 30's. 

6. I am eating:
  • Nothing right now. But I did have BBQed salmon that seemed wholly appropriate for Canada Day. Plus some rice. And a chocolate bar or two
  • And if I have any willpower at all, I will not be eating bread for 62 days. 
  • And I also will not be eating any green or purple Sweet Tarts.
7. I am praying for:
  • People who are in the midst of relationship messes. So much praying for people in pain. June has been a tough one. Broken hearts. Broken marriages. Broken families. I ache. Think I've cried more in June than Jan - May combined. 
  • The cities hosting the World Cup and the residents of those cities. 
  • My kids and their friends. 
  • New babies. And those young parents having those new babies.
  • Marriages. People just need to stay married. Happily married. Get it together. If it's not working - get help.
  • My dad. And mom. And their friends who are going through health issues. 
  • Those who are engaged. And those who are newly married.
  • And those who are looking for work. 
  • And those who are lost.
  • And those who are struggling with drug or alcohol addiction. 
  • AA and NA communities in England, Vancouver and New West.
  • Churches and their leaders.

8. I am reading:
  • The Enchanted by Rene Denfeld
  • Generation X by Douglas Coupland
  • The Power of One Thing by Randy Carlson
  • And I bought the latest Diana Gabaldon. But I'm saving that for later this summer. 
9. I am happy about:
  • Why is this one always the hardest? I should probably just remove it from the list. 
  • I am happy it is summer.
  • I am happy that I had a good visit with my dad tonight.
  • I am happy that it was sunny today. (Rest of week will be far less sunny.)
  • I am happy that there's only 3 days left TIL THE WEEKEND.
  • I am happy that we are only in the middle of the story. Anything can happen. The next few chapters might be awesome. The writer is pretty creative, afterall.
10. I am wishing:
  • for God to surprise me this summer with a fun something.
  • that people didn't 'fall out of love'. 
  • that my stomach would magically get all flat and sexy.

Three things I am thankful for:

1. Decks. Fans. Geraniums. 

2. I am so thankful that I get to live in Canada. Especially that I get to live in this corner of Canada. Thankful for the freedom and the opportunities. 

3. Random, unexpected conversations with former co-workers who assure me they've heard I'm doing really well at my job. Haha. Grateful for the affirmation.


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