I just can't seem to stay focused.
My mind is zipping hither and yon like a, like a, well, like a thing that zips around hither and yon-like.
I'm at work for a few hours, concentrating on the Spring Campaign and the April Mail Package and the May inFocus Newsletter and then, my heart aches. And I remember how hard it was sitting with my dad last night.
The room? Was SO HOT. The equipment heats it up, but so does the weather. And his room faces west, which, wow. The sunsets. But which, wow. His body was incredibly warm. I kept sponging his face and neck and hands with a tea towel soaked in ice water from a jug I stole from the fridge. Every time a care aid came in they commented on how uncomfortably hot it was in his room. Which was nice to know it wasn't just me and dad sweating like hogs because we're carrying around a few extra pounds.
I'm going to wear my Costco bathing suit when I visit later today. And flip flops.
No I'm not. But in my heart I will be.
But the blistering temperature wasn't the hardest part.
Listening to him breath those teeny tiny gurgly breaths, was just the worst. Well, OK. Maybe there are worse things. But in my world right now? Those breaths are the worst.
I'm here now. It's just me and him. And his oxygen machine. And my laptop. There's probably a good metaphor in that.
I'm here. With him sleeping beside me. Doing work stuff.
Haha. All my worlds exist in this laptop.
I'm typing an update for my kids. For Clint in Africa, which he'll read in an hour when he wakes up. For Max in New West who's getting ready for a meeting. And for Drew who is nursing his crushed finger. (They put a red hot pin through the nail to relieve some of the pressure and he is recovering from the trauma of that. He hasn't missed work as a result of his injury, and I'm proud of him.)
I am wearing fewer clothes today. And I've taken off my boots. Between my feet and dad's farts, this room is ripe. Don't come visit.
Are you wondering how he's doing?
He sleeps alot. Like probably 22 hours a day.
He's eating his meals, as per usual.
But he's mostly stopped talking. At least to me... I don't understand him anymore, and the effort to make himself understood just wears him out. Yesterday he mentioned that he was too old to talk, so there's that.
He answers, "Good!" whenever someone asks him how he's feeling.
And he is clear that he has no pain.
Are you wondering how I'm doing?
I don't just sit here and cry. Unless I see a care aid be especially gentle with him. Then I tear up.
Also? I can't pray for him out loud. I choke on the words.
I'm doing fine.
This is my reality for the next while.
And I'm praying that God will give me the strength, courage and wisdom to do the right thing.
Because there is a 'right thing'...
I'm just not totally sure what it is.
Someone will tell me. Someone always does.
I'm on a journey that many have walked before me. I love that they are willing to share their experiences. I am lucky.
Unrelated, but maybe not. Please don't ask me who has visited my dad, or how many hours anyone has spent at his bedside. I'm not going to answer that question any more.
Unrelated, but actually, maybe not - The Drop Box.
Work life and personal life - overlapping again.
Did you see it?
MANY people have.
SO many that after the first two showings, (Mar 4, 5) Cineplex asked if they could add two more showings (Mar 7, 9) and because THOSE were sold out in some theatres as well, they asked if they could keep showing it in select theatres for select dates starting Mar 13. If you haven't seen it, but would like to, check out website for a complete listing of dates and times. (Colossus, Langley will have the most showings...)
If you saw it, and wondered, "now what?'
"What should be my response to that?"
Well, we have some ideas for you.
The sanctity of life isn't just about saving discarded babies overseas.
There are ways to respect and treasure life in many different contexts.
Some folks have talked about that with us, and we've posted videos of their shares here.
I'll post a few here:
Janet Thiessen shared her thoughts:
Janet, champion for single parents from Focus on the Family Canada on Vimeo.
Justin Froelich has a story:
Justin, champion for new beginnings from Focus on the Family Canada on Vimeo.
And David Gotts:
David Gotts, founder of International China Concern from Focus on the Family Canada on Vimeo.
And if none of that interests you particularly, (haha) this is my favorite part of the whole Drop Box story. Brian Ivey. The 21 year old film student who wanted to make a film that would get him into the Sundance Festival. (Psst. He ended up making a decision that would get him into heaven.)
Listen to him share his journey to Jim Daly of Focus US.
Bottom line is? Life is precious, at all stages and in all circumstances. Life is a gift from God. ALL life is a gift from God. It may be messy, hard, short, weird, crazy, or seemingly unfair - but it's God's. He has a purpose and a plan for every life. And those lives will end in His perfect timing.
I know this is all God's perfect timing. BUT WHOLLY COW, I could use a chocolate bar right about now. A frozen Crunch bar. Or 10,000 mini Cadbury cream eggs. Easter Sunday will be a glorious celebration.
My skin dried out a few weeks ago. Like, on my face. Totally dry. As per sandpaper. Red, dry and itchy. I think it misses chocolate too.
Three things I'm thankful for:
1. My dad is going to heaven. There is just SO MUCH PEACE in that.
2. I will be going too. Someday.
3. The nurses here? I love. So gentle and attentive.
4. Sleeping pills. Man. He is snoring up a storm right now.
5. I can do my job from a laptop in a care home.
6. Facebook. It makes the world so small.
7. Friends who love me. And pray for me. And care for me.
8. Unseasonably warm March temperatures.
9. Memories. SO many good ones of my dad.
10. Street parking. Only $4 for a day, vs the parking lot which is $5.25 per hour. And the silver lining in street parking? I am very good a parallel parking now. Very good.
11. The kindness of strangers.
12. The other residents in this home. Precious.
13. Stories. One of the visiting wives shared her life story with me tonight. From India to Ceylon, to Surrey. (From Catholic, to Pentacostal to Jew(!))