I don't want to think about it. Research it. Prepare for it. Talk about it. Read about it.
Distracting myself has been unsuccessful.
Taking a nap didn't work.
Oy. How do people do this?
My surgery date has been bumped to Sept 3, so I have an extra 10 days to not-fret. I do not know how I'll get through them without believing every ache and bump on my body is a cancer cell growing. Currently I'm sure this tender spot on my hip is an indicator of wide-spread, aggressive bone cancer. I am driving myself mental. I understand why my kids want me to start smoking weed; being this aware, this hyper alert, is crazy-making x 1000.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walked the seawall on Thursday night with a friend.
"I can't believe you have cancer. You look like you always do. Healthy. Alive. You look like Jane."
"I know, right?"
Friday morning one of my sales reps dropped by. He brought me hugs and tears and well-wishes and a stuffed lion he named Courgy (short for courage)...
By the time he left I was crying again. Acts of kindness and words of compassion Just Do Me In.
Friday afternoon, my team was sitting on our rooftop patio having Starbuck's bevvies bought for us by our boss. I was drinking water. As per usual.
"You're drinking water?"
"Yeah. I'm not a coffee drinker."
"What about tea? Or a fruity drink?"
"Nahhh. If I'm thirsty, water is the only thing that quenches. And if I need to drink something to be socialable, I'll sip a tea and leave most of it."
"What do you drink when you're at home?"
"Water."
"What? Really? Do you drink wine?"
"Nah. I'm really a boring beverage person."
"When you're at the lake? And it's hot? A pop?"
"No, seriously. I drink water."
"Whoa. You must be SO healthy!"
"RIGHT!? You'd think..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friday after work I started in on my pre-surgery To Do list.
I need to bring a front-opening button-up shirt to the surgical centre.
I do not own one.
I may never have owned one.
Now I do.
✅ Check that off the list.
Next up? A sports bra. Apparently my red lace push-up bit isn't suitable.
Then I walked the riverfront in New West at the Quay with a friend.
She had big sad things in her life too.
As do most people.
Life is hard sometimes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And sometimes it's soft.
On Saturday evening, the Stapes and the O's celebrated Drewbs's bday:
We love our devices.
Thanks, family of girls, for joining my family of boys.
#summerevenings
While the kids played Yahtzee outside,
Clint was working inside:
... which brings us back to Sunday, when I had a bit of a crash, emotionally speaking.
I don't want to die.
And on Sunday afternoon I was convinced I was gonna.
You're not going to believe what I found to be comforting at the end of the day.
Hahahaha.
Courgy. The stuffed lion. I just stroked his very soft fur and it calmed me.
Go figure.
(Well, there was likely a person or two praying for me as well, which probably helped.)
:)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was back at work on Monday, trying to get catch up from missed days. Trying to prepare for future missed days. Trying to get back in control. I was marginally successful. Meaning it was a regular non-cancer day. Life felt normal again.
I met Dani at the lake at 9 pm. She has this week off and wondered if I was free to hang out with her for a few days.
(I know, right?!)
It's now Tuesday night. All the ambitious things we thought we might do are not going to happen. So far we've watched Season 2 of Downton Abbey, (It's her first time; so fun!), suntanned and read at the water's edge, did some shopping, went out for dinner, AND WANDERED THROUGH THE WILDFLOWERS at Jesse and Sharalin's Cultus Lake Flower Festival.
I am so, so grateful that she's part of my family.
Three things I'm thankful for:
1. Summer days with this girl.
2. Flowers. Flowers. Flowers.
3. My camera.
4. Praying friends.
5. Supportive family.
6. Comfy beds.
7. English TV shows.
8. Left-over ice-cream cake.
9. Super soft stuffed lions.
10. Hope.
Peace, friends
xo
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