Friday, August 9, 2019

One week later...

Thursday. My body woke up before my brain. Again. It was having an adrenaline rush from my fingertips to my toes. (Anxiety? Dread?) Even before I could remember, my body was way ahead of me, remembering that there may be cancer in it. My stomach started to hurt and a deep ache of darkness just smothered me.

God? Please help me not to start every day this way. It's way too hard.

 I told the staff at work today. At 9 am. (Last Thursday at 9 am I was getting the diagnosis.) (Next Thursday I better be doing something fun.) I read the blog post I'd prepared, (took 3 days to write that puppy; these things don't write themselves. SO much thinking happens first) and then they all (35/40? of them) gathered round me and prayed. Some prayed out loud, others murmured in agreement. Tears flowed non-stop and it was a bit of a snot fest. I felt loved and supported and not alone.  Apparently I am the first employee to get cancer (at least in the last 10 years) at Focus. Yay me. Grateful that I work for them. Can't imagine a better work environment than one that sets aside time to love on a hurting team member.

I was SO ready for a nap after that.
But I had meetings.
And emails to send. To my outside contacts/vendors.
And acts of kindness and words of encouragement to acknowledge.

People just say the nicest things at times like this. It really was a lovely, affirming, bright day.
Social media may have it's evils, but I was the recipient of dozens of messages all possible because of Facebook. And I am appreciative. With all my heart.

For those of you who're curious, I DID blog on Days 1, 2, 3 and 4. Links are below:
August 1
August 2
August 3
August 4

I doubt I'll blog daily. I'm anticipating a few more weeks of 'more of the same'. Wake up with dread. Sort my shit out. Work during the day. Play during the evening. Talk to God incessantly. Rinse. Repeat.

My surgery date was bumped into September. I have a feeling it might get bumped again. Really wishing I was in the driver's seat of this project. I'd have it Basecamped and timelined with firm deadlines and production dates. Going to trust the delay isn't giving cancer a chance to percolate and grow within me. Just now, tho, I thought I felt a tumor grow in my neck. This'll be a long, crazy month unless I find a way to reign in my imagination.

Today is my baby's 25th birthday.

I was 38 when I experienced the first big 'bad thing' (divorce) in my life. He was only 4 when his parents split. I was in my 40's when drug addiction entered our lives. He was barely a teenager when Max entered rehab. I was in my late 40's when extreme dementia affected our family. My dad (Drew's best buddy), got goofy, then had a stroke, when Drew was still a teen. I was a grown-ass adult when it happened and it did me in.
And now this. I'm old.
But he's just 25.

He's 25.
I told him I think he (and his brothers) are being uniquely equipped by God, for purposes unknown to us now. But his (their) experiences will give them insight and compassion and words as people in their worlds encounter pain and crisis-es. Their journey through some dark valleys will not be wasted. I believe they will be greater men as a result of today's reality. I admire their strength and purpose. They will be a force to be reckoned with as they grow into themselves.

Back to Drew.
He is a delight.
I am so glad God put our family together the way He did.
And I'm really glad Drew has good taste in women. :)

Three things I'm thankful for:

1. Quiet spaces
2. Conversations on those hard plastic recliny chair things along the seawall with a friend
3. M + M Mcflurries


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