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Dear God,
Thank you for friends.
Friendship was Your idea, wasn't it?
Thank you for thinking of it.
Thank you for MY friends. The ones You brought into my life.
Thank you for handpicking them for me.
Thank you for their kindness. Their support. Their encouragement.
Thank you for the fun.
The laughter.
The conversations.
Mostly thank you for the conversations.
I love the sharing of wisdom, the sharing of burdens, the sharing of joys.
I love the easy companionship. The warm companionship. The loyal companionship.
Thank you, God, for knowing exactly what I needed when You brought various women into my life.
Thank you for filling this part of my life to overflowing.
Thank you God for creating colors. Wild, soft, bold, pastel, bright, cheerful, warm, calm, soothing colors.
And textures. And shapes. And scents. And flavours.
And laughter and giggles.
God? Thank you for deciding to make me a mom. I know that not everyone is privileged in this way...so thanks for thinking I was up for the job. Thanks for thinking three boys would be perfect for me.
I love being their mom.
It has not been easy. There have been challenges. There have been sad times. And worrisome moments. And scary seasons. And overwhelming occasions. And 'now what, God' times of despair.
But I love them. They are mine. (Well, Yours. But mine too.) And I choose to remember, in vivid detail, the good times.
I miss them terribly.
Was this Your idea too? That moms raise their kids only to have them leave? Why am I ever not quite ready for when another one moves out? Why have I not got something in place to fill the hole that is left gaping when they stop coming home for night? Why do I feel empty? And purposeless? What am I supposed to do at suppertime when it's just me at the table? Do you have something in mind for me?
Because, I tell you, God, this feels weird.
I have very few peers who know what it feels like to not have anyone living with them. I don't know who to whine to. I don't know how to fix this.
I don't know if it's because I've done something wrong. Or if this is how it's supposed to be. And mostly I haven't made peace with it yet.
God? Keep an eye on them for me.
Hold them close. Protect them. Reveal Yourself to them. Lavish them with Your love in such personal ways that they will be awestruck. Enable them to fully respond. Remind them of Your great love for them. Instill in them longing to know You more. Fill their lives with friends of Your choosing. Send Your messengers of Good News into their neighbourhoods. Hand-pick role models and mentors for them, and allow those relationships to flourish.
God I pray that they would mature and grow into the men You created them to be. I pray that You would shape them through the experiences You allow them to participate in.
Show me how to parent and love them from a distance. Help me to be creative, and not-annoying, in the ways I let them know I love them. Give me opportunities to be involved in their lives in healthy, not controlling, not dependent, not needy, ways.
Give me the wisdom and patience required to allow them to make mistakes.
God, with Drew gone, I am lonely. I can only fill so many hours a day with friends. This house is so quiet.
What should I do about that? Am I supposed to spend more time with my dad? Get two jobs? Fill my life with foreign students? Write more words? Take more photos? Pull more weeds? Bake more cupcakes? Read more novels?
I'm 51 years old. What do You want me to be when I grow up?
You are the author of my 'story'. You alone know how it ends. I'm hoping I fall into the 'romantic comedy' genre instead of the 'tragedy-drama' category ... but whatever. Your will be done.
I probably don't have to remind You that excellent stories have many twists and unexpected turns along the way as well as interesting character development. Am I the midst of being developed?
OK then. I'll keep plodding along while things around me fall away. I will choose to trust that You've got something in mind.
Amen.
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1. I met up with Max for 40 minutes today... he joined me for a quick visit with my dad.
2. Dad was calm and talkative. (But slurred and without his teeth.) It was OK. He was at peace when we left.
3. I have a few more (used) books to add to my growing collection of titles I want to read this summer. I feel rich.
4. It didn't rain today, even though it was overcast. Sunshine is always my preference, but any day without rain is a good one.
5. I'm thankful that my dad and mom love me.
Shalom,
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