Christmas shopping with Clint on Thursday night.
Christmas shopping with Max today.
Pretty much done now. Haha.
That was easy.
We were finished by 4, so as he drove east to go back home,
I drove west to watch the sun set ....
and to think about a few things ...
Someone who I've been praying for, someone I celebrated clean time with, someone who had chalked up a number of sober years, got loaded, made a mess of things, ended up in jail and I am just sad.
And I read a HUMANS OF NEW YORK profile on Facebook where a young man's interview piece includes:
“She settled me down for a little while, but soon my demons caught up with me. I started getting bored, so I started going out in the evenings. Ever since I was young, I always had this fear that if I stayed home for the night, I was going to miss out on something. So I’d go out drinking, then I’d wake up the next morning with her wagging her finger at me, and I’d feel bad, which would make me start drinking again. The final straw was when her six-year old son saw me drunk. He’d never seen me drunk before, and it scared him. So she broke up with me. That’s when I really went crazy. After a couple years, I checked myself into rehab. After I got out, I met a new girl. But after awhile my demons caught up with me.”
... and that makes me sad too.
I guess I'm just going to keep on praying for the folks I care about who are struggling with drug and alcohol addictions.
I don't know what else to do.
I also had a bit of a chat with God out there on the beach.
2014 is ending soon.
Am I where I'm supposed to be?
Am I living my best life?
Is this what He had in mind when He created me?
It's a little embarrassing to admit but I had this niggling of an idea that when I ended up here, at my mom's place, with all my books in boxes and all my assets in the bank - that God was preparing me for a grand adventure.
I was OK with either.
I read too many books. I understand story arcs. It felt like the plot of my life was moving towards something significant.
Life in Surrey isn't so much of an adventure. It's mostly just ...
24 hours at a time.
Which is lovely. And awesome.
And, 16 years ago, I would not have expected it.
("It" being a good life.)
It's just that it felt like I was being prepared for something different.
So, I daydreamed a little. About all the possibilities.
And all the options.
And I tried to be realistic, (yes, I was attempting to control my daydreams and keep them realistic) but my imagination can be creative when it sets its mind to and my daydreams turned to fantasies and well, OK, they were crazy.
(And example? Well, this isn't it, but would be considered just as outrageous... I'd be working for a magazine publisher, as a part time special projects manager and part time as a photo journalist, writing articles on travelling as a single woman. And I could choose the locations. So I would only go to interesting ones. .Where I could wear flip flops and tank tops. And I'd have a flat stomach. And I'd do 6 features a year. And I'd live in a penthouse. Near an ocean, lake or river. And it would never rain again.)
Like I said, that wasn't one of my daydreams. (This is why I loved the Walter Mitty movie so much. I SO get the 'zone outs'.) But probably just as silly.
Anyway, this week, my favorite fantasy came to a crashing halt. I think God may have been fed up with the amount of time I spend living in an alternate reality. This week, He said 'no'. "No, Jane. That is not the life I have in mind for you. Please stop thinking about it."
I may have cried a little.
I know He's not being mean. He has a plan specially designed for me. And it probably involves staying in Surrey, working at Focus, living with or near my mom, visiting my dad, spending time with my kids, walking and talking with friends, and praying for everything I can't control. Like I said, a good life. But not one that includes teaching folks on cruise ships how to create photo books with the pictures they've taken.
Anyway, there at the beach tonight, (pffft. "Tonight". It was barely 4:30 in the afternoon) I gave it all back to Him.
"OKFINE. I'll trust You in this. My life is in Your hands. Could You give me a new daydream? Something fun to think about?
And to confirm. I am living the life You want me to, correct? I am where I should be? Doing what I'm supposed to do? Because if I'm not, just go on ahead and make some adjustments. If I'm not moving through a door You opened, then give me a push. Or if I'm pushing against a locked door, then pull me away from it. YOLO, so I want to do it right."
Three things I'm thankful for:
1. Beaches in winter
2. Tonight's entertainment: Frozen. (LOVE this movie. Hahaha.) A Long Way Down. (Quirky and painful at times, but hope-filled and inspiring.) (Side note. I tweeted that I'd enjoyed the movie and added one of the star's names to the tweet. He tweeted back, "thanks, x.") (Cheap thrills on a Saturday night.) And I Capture the Castle (which I LOVED as a book.)
3. I am loved by He who created the heavens and the earth. That's no small thing.