Surfin' the Net

The internet is just so awesome.


And I'm just so emotional.

This had me tear up; it's the story of the mama whale, who's baby died, minutes after giving birth, who is keeping her calf above water by balancing her on the tip of her nose. Which is exhausting, as that calf is probably about 400 pounds. But this is how heavy grief is.

It's been over two weeks. Her pod is helping her carry that burden by sharing the grief. They are taking turns holding the calf so the mom can rest.

*tears

Oh that I might be like that squad and take my turn holding someone's grief.

News story is here.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Was chatting with a friend today who is struggling with disappointment and rejection. Along with that, of course, comes feelings of fear. And inadequacy.
At one point she said, "And then, there's that voice that SCREAMS at me that I'm not good enough."

That voice, of course, is the one in her head.
I suggested she not listen to that voice.
It is lying to her.
Think of other things.
Think of good things.
Happy things.
Things that make her smile.
Think of things that ARE TRUE.
Think of things that are BEAUTIFUL.
And then I shared with her some of the art I have on my phone, on my computer, on my digital photo frame that sits on my desk at work:

This verse used to bug me.
I wanted to know what all the good, lovely, excellent, praiseworthy things actually WERE.

And then, I realized, this was just a good mental health verse. It is a gentler way of your therapist telling you to STOP THINKING ABOUT THE THINGS THAT DRIVE YOU CRAZY, MAKE YOU ANGRY, FILL YOU WITH FEAR. STOP PLAYING THAT OLD RECORD OVER AND OVER AGAIN... DON'T REVISIT THAT CONVERSATION WHERE HE SAID THAT. DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT TIME SHE DID THAT HURTFUL THING. STOP REMEMBERING THE DETAILS OF THAT TERRIBLE FIGHT.

Just stop all the negative thoughts.

Instead, think of things that are good. (Like the way it feels to hold a two year old's hand.) And lovely. (Like the way the sun makes everything golden just before it sets.) And true. (There are people who love you. And there are people who are in awe of all that you do. And there are people who'd love to hang out with you.) And lovely. (Like the smiles Harry and Meghan had for each other on their wedding day. Your smile. Your kids' smiles.) And excellent. (The way Vince Gill harmonizes with the Eagles.) And noble. (The way your grandpa prays at family meals.) And worthy of praise. (The way you can cook a meal, empty the dishwasher, set the table, and do a load of laundry ALL AT THE SAME TIME...)

Think of good things.
Think of good people.
Think of ways to say thank you.
Think of ways to show appreciation.

Think of things you are thankful for.

Lift that needle off that groove on your record and drop it on a new song.
Force yourself to think new thoughts.

You're a smart cookie. You can do this.
xo


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a pedi tonight after work. (Attending another wedding this weekend. If I can't have a flat stomach, at least I'll have pink toes.

While she was using sandpaper to file down my heels, she said, "Wow, feet like the hide of a rhino, eh? Sure can tell you're barefoot most of the time. Bet they don't bleed when you step on glass ..."

Sigh.
And this:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An acquaintance of mine is off on an adventure.
She's on her own, living out of her Honda car for the summer, on the roadtrip of a lifetime.

She drove up to the Arctic Ocean and slept on the edge of the Beauford Sea.

She's got a blog, Diane Has Adventures. You should read it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many of these did you know?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three things I'm thankful for:

1. My mom's deck;

Haha:

2. Airmiles.


3. Drewbs.
It's his birthday today.
Love him x 1000

What? Another whole week has gone by?

Clint recently turned 31.

WHAT THE HECK!?

How did that happen? 

Where did the days go?

Its weird, eh? Having grown children? Living their own lives? In their own houses, in different cities, being all grown up n everything...

Can't say I'm a fan.

Circle of life, I suppose.
That said, I'm pretty proud of my boy.

(Right at this exact moment, we're both at the lake. He's stretched out on the couch,  working on his laptop. I'm at my usual spot at the table, beside an open patio door, listening to the frogs/crickets/wind in the trees/rushing creek, while blogging on my laptop. No conversation, as per usual. He IS a boy and used up his allotment of 200 words before he got here. :) I am saving my 20,000 words for another day.)

He's 31.
Responsible. He was here on Thursday night and texted me a pic of garbage cans that had been tipped over and ransacked by wild bunnies or bears or something. When I got here, late on Friday night, I could see that he'd cleaned up the whole mess. So thankful for his 'get er done' attitude.
Hardworking. He has his own company. He puts in crazy hours. Does his own bookkeeping. Is a videographer, photographer, editor, designer, project manager, and TEDTalks freelancer. He also is part owner in a few other companies. Because he has business running in his blood.
Creative. Oy, the boy knows art. And how to make things pretty. Appealing. Eye-catching.

I cherish these random moments that we're in the same space at the same time.

Pfffft. Cherish. Such an old lady word.
I hold onto these moments with both hands because they're rare and special.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was Danica's birthday last week.
But we haven't celebrated it yet. We JUST finalized plans to do so on May 27. (Twenty three days late. WHAT THE HECK, OFAM.)
Everyone's busy.
We will celebrate with dinner and a movie. The new Star Wars flick; SOLO.
(We saw the new Avenger's movie for Clint's bday.)

Thank you Hollywood, for releasing blockbusters during birthday season.

Thank you, L and C for raising Dani. She is:

Hardworking. She is an artist, and whoa. The things she can do with scissors, dyes and hair. She's always learning, always trying new things... In addition to the long hours she puts in at the salon, she also does things with paint on canvases. Her and her dad are Woodever.Crafts and have been selling their creations at various markets in the lower mainland. Crazy how much talent this girl has in her fingertips.
Wise. She forwarded a copy of a text that she'd sent recently, and I read it with joy and pride. SO. Much. Wisdom in this girl. And compassion. And warmth. She? Knows how to love well.
Enthusiastic. I love her excitement for life. Joy just bubbles out of her. She is positive, encouraging and hope-filled.

Happy Belated (REALLY BELATED) Birthday, Dani. LOVE you x 1000.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today was Mother's Day.
I wished my mom a happy one on Friday; gave her a gift, then took my aching body up to Cultus where I will hide out for a week.
(I had a thing done. It involved about 300 laser burns to my face and torso. And now I'm all scabby and itchy and maybe a bit whiny. Haha. I told the kids to forget Mother's Day - I really didn't want them to see me. Because I am vain. And I can't wear make-up nor wash my face for 72 hours. I am slathered in coconut oil and I am A SIGHT.)

Clint came up, regardless, to help me get ready for the painter who is gonna be working this week at freshening the place up. YES, it is time to say goodbye to that gorgeous '90's green. And then? He made me supper.
He'd bought groceries earlier in the week and had them in the fridge at the cabin even before I arrived.

These green walls?
Will be a thing of the passssst.

Tired eyes.
He'd just kayaked around the lake.
(And before that? Cleaned up the yard.)

I have never felt uglier. (No seriously. I have 300 scabby sores on my chest, neck and face. It is not a pretty sight.
But I have not felt this loved in like, a really long time.

Thanks, Clint, for all your work today.
And a million thanks for not saying anything about my face while you sat across from me, eating the dinner THAT YOU MADE.

I felt spoiled and loved and you are awesome.


Three things I'm thankful for:
1. Family
2. Sunny days
3. A week of working remotely.

Shalom,
xo

Favorite-ist Day of the Year

March 27
Seven years clean today.
My Max.

Whenever I think of those hellish days years leading up to March 27, 2011  - I am so very grateful (like grateful x 1000) that he had the strength and courage to ask for help. You wouldn't understand the depths of my gratitude unless you too have watched someone you love become a slave to an addiction. It. Is. Hell. And it never leaves you. Every minute of every day, you worry, cry, pray, wish, hope that they are not using, that they are safe, that they have hit rock bottom, that they will ask for help, that they are tired of feeling sick, that they aren't driving around while high, that their bodies and brains will be able to recover when they eventually quit, that someday they'll once again be the person God created them to be, that someday there will be joy in your life again, that some day your family will be whole again. That one day, when he smiles, the smile will reach his eyes.

I am thankful for The Last Door; their program, their counselors, their support, their philosophy. I will forever love this organization for the way they welcomed Max and cared for me. And I will always remember the overwhelming feeling of peace that first night Max stayed there. I think it was the first time I'd slept easy in years. Knowing he was safe and substance-free lifted the worry blanket off my chest. Over time, seeing him with his new friends, watching him interact with the staff, hearing the stories of recovery, witnessing his confidence grow ... all of it was life-giving.

I am a huge fan of the AA and NA fellowships and how they build support systems and communities helping people live one day at a time. I love how they celebrate clean time; with much shouting, laughter, crying, and stomping of feet. I learned so much about friendships and encouragement and transparency and affirmation from listening to Max and his friends share at each others's cakes. I am grateful that I was allowed to witness those events.

I am thankful for the friends who've walked alongside Max on his journey. Seriously. Friends. Don't try to do life without them. Those guys? Saw each other at their absolute worst. Those guys? Picked each other up; talked for hours, did life together, were available for each other, unconditionally. For years, they celebrated each other's clean dates like it was a lottery win.


If you or someone you love is having troubles with drugs or alcohol, please, please, please get help. There are so many people who want to help you. Your family and friends need you to be clean. And whole. And healthy. Life can be good again. Please. Be strong. Ask for help.

There are so many good options available, but I'll recommend The Last Door because I know it works. And if that's just not an option for you, get yourself to an AA or NA meeting. Tonight.

Birthday Weekend

Me n Clint, celebrating his 30th, a few weeks ago.
Photo taken by my mom, on her Samsung Smartphone.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's the middle of my birthday weekend.
June 1 was the official day, and I spent it at work, then getting a haircut, finishing the day with my mom by seeing Isreali film, The Wedding Plan (in Hebrew, with English subtitles) at the Vancouver International Film Festival.

"After her fiance calls off their wedding a month before the ceremony, a woman decides to keep the reservation and trusts God will provide her with a husband."

Thoughts:

• Hebrew isn't an easy language to listen to. 
• Reading your way through a movie causes you to miss some of the facial expressions and body language.
• Hollywood and Britain are Masters of Romantic Comedies. Israel not so much. But this story didn't need Hollywood's dazzle. 
• Loved the movie, regardless. This show was about one woman's blind faith that God would supply her with a groom; on her wedding day. Haha. Maybe as crazy as Noah building an ark before rain had even been invented. Or as crazy as an army, equipped with only trumpets and lanterns determined to overtake a walled city containing armed warriors. 
• She reserved the hall, bought a dress, sent out invitations to 200 people, hired a couple match-makers, went on a number of disastrous blind dates, and showed up at the ceremony, faint and dizzy, wondering whom God had chosen to be her husband. 
• So inspiring. I think God was trying to tell me something..
• So yes. In case you're wondering, keep Sept 30 available. Invitations have been ordered. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've still been reading more than watching TV:

Can you see where it says "A Novel" on the cover? I assumed I was reading a made-up story. And some parts were just so unbelievable, I kept saying to myself, didn't she have an editor who suggested she keep this 'more real'? Beryl is born in Britain but moves to Kenya with her parents when she's a toddler. Her mom and brother head back to England shortly after so she is raised, wild and free, with her dad on a horse ranch. She becomes the first female horse trainer at the age of 19. She hangs out with an older crowd, falls in love with a safari hunter named Denys and befriends an older Danish woman, Karen, who runs a coffee plantation. Before she's 30, she's the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic, east to west. 

I finished the book and wondered what that was all about. 

THEN I read the back pages and realized the book was based on the real life of Beryl Markham. AND Denys was Robert Redford and Karen was MERYL STREEP from the movie OUT OF AFRICA which was based on the real life story of Karen Blixen, the danish coffee farmer. 

Crazy. 

I must've spent an hour going down Wikipedia rabbit holes after that, connecting all the dots and learning about the lives of real people. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Another book:

Fascinating. 

Well written.

So enlightening.

Wanna know more? 

Most people want to avoid thinking about death, but Caitlin Doughty a twenty-something with a degree in medieval history and a flair for the macabre took a job at a crematory, turning morbid curiosity into her life s work. Thrown into a profession of gallows humor and vivid characters (both living and very dead), Caitlin learned to navigate the secretive culture of those who care for the deceased.

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes tells an unusual coming-of-age story full of bizarre encounters and unforgettable scenes. Caring for dead bodies of every color, shape, and affliction, Caitlin soon becomes an intrepid explorer in the world of the dead. She describes how she swept ashes from the machines (and sometimes onto her clothes) and reveals the strange history of cremation and undertaking, marveling at bizarre and wonderful funeral practices from different cultures.

Her eye-opening, candid, and often hilarious story is like going on a journey with your bravest friend to the cemetery at midnight. She demystifies death, leading us behind the black curtain of her unique profession. And she answers questions you didn t know you had: Can you catch a disease from a corpse? How many dead bodies can you fit in a Dodge van? What exactly does a flaming skull look like?

Honest and heartfelt, self-deprecating and ironic, Caitlin's engaging style makes this otherwise taboo topic both approachable and engrossing. Now a licensed mortician with an alternative funeral practice, Caitlin argues that our fear of dying warps our culture and society, and she calls for better ways of dealing with death (and our dead)."

~~~~~~~~~~~~
And this...

I read Brenda's journal entries on the Caring Bridge site as she wrote them. After she passed, Carson had them printed and published:

From diagnosis to death, (588 days), these are Brenda's thoughts. 
It's an encouraging and positive read, written by a friend who was encouraging and positive in everything she did. 

Praying that God will use this book for His good purposes...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Remember I mentioned that Clint had installed security cameras at the lake? (Over the long weekend?) Ones we could manage through an app on our phones? 

This is what the front camera picks up:

Wellll, on any given weekend, I'm usually drive up there, late on Friday night. But because this is My Birthday Weekend, I'm in Surrey. And since I'd read THIS article, I am making a ginormous effort to turn off electronics at midnight. (Baby steps). 

So I closed my laptop and turned my phone off at 12. 

I opened my phone up again at 12:30, because let's be real. I'm never going to fall asleep before 1:30 am anyways.

This was the conversation that was taking place between my kids at 12:25:

Sigh, my next solo overnighter will not be relaxing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Manchester and London Bridge bombings are on my mind today.
My heart is sad.
Praying that we will be kind to each other.


Be generous with your smiles.
Ask her how she's doing.
Give him a hug.
Swallow that snide comment.
Don't assume they're talking about you.
Forgive them; they didn't mean it.
Let it go, think on things that are beautiful and worthy of praise instead.
Choose to love; it casts out fear.
Deep calls to deep, so go there.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Three things I'm thankful for:

1. So grateful for all the messages, notes and cards from friends/family this week. Feeling loved.

2. Lupine

3. Late night conversations with my kids.

4. Thankful for a mom who is totally game for a late night, foreign movie, in Vancouver. And who showers me with gifts. And lets me live in her spare bedroom. And picks out the most beautiful birthday cards.


Peace, friends. xo

Easter

The only time it feels weird to go to church on Saturday evening is at Easter.

24 hours after the Good Friday (Jesus died) service, is the (And Three Days Later, He Arose) Sunday morning Easter Service... on Sat evening at 5:30.  :)

If you're not the church-going sort, you really should try to go at Easter. Seriously the best thing ever. SO much hope and happy. 

If you wonder what you missed, listen online. It should be here in the next day or so. 

(By the way, if going to church on your own freaks you out, call a friend. They'd love to have you join them.)

Anyway, after the emotional heart twister on Good Friday, it was good to spend some time walking through the trails at Aldergove Lake Park in the sunshine with a friend on Saturday afternoon, then hittin up the evening service to be reminded again, that the resurrection is a proven historical event with eternal implications. (Coincidentally, last week at work, we had a movie-luncheon where we all made sandwiches and watched Risen together. Which is a movie about the days immediately following Easter Sunday.)

Thanks, Hollywood, for your part in making my Easter meaningful this year. 

:)

~~~~~~~

My people came 'home' (to my mom's house) on Sunday for supper. BBQed steak was preferred over turkey, so that was easy. 

(Above) Big bro and lil bro with their new toys. 

(My oldest has been working crazy hours this month as he coordinates staffing and security details for a big conference taking place next weekend. See his t-shirt for more info. So proud of him.)

D2 (Drew and Dani) catching a quick nap on the smallest hardest surface in the kitchen besides the countertop. Our girl was away all weekend attending a stagette; she was exhausted. 

And then someone saw something funny/interesting on the internet:

It was Amy's birthday this weekend...

So we had cake. 

That no one ate. 

Because we filled up on steak n baked potatoes. 

And then?

When I told everyone to put on their shoes, it was Clint's turn to take a nap. 

I had prepared a treasure hunt. For Easter treats. 

Some families (okay, most families) hide plastic eggs filled with candy, chocolates or treats in their yards and have the kids (or everyone, including adults) go look for them. 

I made three gift bags (one for Drew/Dani, one for Max/Amy, and one for Clint), filled with random things including a dinner out for each of them, as well as some candy, chocolate, and a $20 bill each. I hid the bags, then prepared a set of scrambled-word clues that would lead them from one location, to the next, nine times. They'd have to work together to unscramble the words and figure out it's meaning. 

For example, the first clue had three slips of paper.

• TKYIT
• RAC
• LOHEL

Which, unscrambled, is KITTY CAR HELLO

Which, of course, is Danica's Hello Kitty Car. 

So they went out to the driveway to look at Dani's car to find the second clue:

Which was taped to her front license plate. 

Clint is still tired. 

And had downloaded an app on his phone that will unscramble words. So while the rest of them try to be good sports and figure out my clues using their BRAINS, he takes a nap and is ready with the answer if they want help. 

Oh Clint. 

It's not about winning. 

It's about playing. 

If nothing else, the treasure hunt gave the girls a chance to see the rest of the property...

His head was near the tap, so Max started to wash his hair. 

And then he disappeared, leaving only his glasses behind...

Last clue.

Apparently the hardest. 

Clint's found a soft spot to lie. 

The others are thinking. 

The Okids huddle:

High 5 for figuring out one of the words:

Back to thinkin:

Anyways, you get the idea...

(Probably brought back a few memories for the boys; I used to hide their stockings every Christmas, and they'd have to work together on the clues I hid around the house, to figure out where they were hid. The girls probably wondered what the heck. Why not hide eggs in the yard like a normal mom.)

We ended the evening with another attempt at dessert and tea, but something on a small screen was terribly interesting. Again.

I actually love how they share all their good findings with each other. 

And they we laughed,

...and played a game or two, which Danica won, as per usual and then it was over. 

Happy Easter from the Ofam to you. 

Three things I'm thankful for:

1. All 5 of them were free to spend Sunday evening together. Felt like a miracle that I didn't take for granted. 

2. Ten years ago, a day like today would have been an impossibility. If you're in a tough season with your kids/family/situation, hang in there. 

3. I am thankful for their laughter, their curiosity about life, their need for knowledge, their enjoyment of each other's company. 

Shalom,

xo